Red Glow - Chapter 22 (COMPLETED: 08.11.2006)

Mastermue · Post by **Mastermue** » Thu, 14. Sep 06, 23:20

No problem mate. As you've noticed, I've been really busy with work too. Just take your time, I'll be patient......honest!

KiwiNZ · Post by **KiwiNZ** » Thu, 14. Sep 06, 23:26

liar

Mastermue · Post by **Mastermue** » Thu, 14. Sep 06, 23:34

[ external image ]

kethalpak · Post by **kethalpak** » Tue, 19. Sep 06, 05:37

This could perhaps benefit from being being broken up..
"By the holy three dimensions. You are alive!" The Paranid moved towards her, raising his arms but was again stopped by the force field.
"Yes I am, despite the best efforts of my friends," she responded with a grin.
"I thought you were killed in the Dragonfire incident."
"I heard those rumours too, but that's another story. What are you doing here?"
"I stayed in outer regions for a few jazuras, then worked in southern Paranid sectors and was on my way to New Income when I found this station. My mistake to get closer look, computer went mad and I had to shoot it. Lost flight control and ejected before ship crashed into asteroid."
"How long have you been here?"
"Two tazuras, getting on the station no problem, but worried at first that computer affected just like ship and did not trust to turn on."
"No computers, no life support and only half a stazura of O2. A bad combination, I guess you took the chance."
"No, life support come on itself. Made bad smell in suit, needed to get out."
or something along those lines

Hahahahaha, you should definately use that last line!

KiwiNZ · Post by **KiwiNZ** » Tue, 19. Sep 06, 08:01

And I did!

Sorry guys, no update yet, had too much work to be creative.

KiwiNZ · Post by **KiwiNZ** » Thu, 28. Sep 06, 13:56

Hey guys. Sorry I didn't get around to producing anything over the past weeks. Have been working 7 days a week to get stuff done before holidays. And now, sitting here at Kuala Lumpur airport, I have had some time to write a bit up. So it is not much but at least gets us a bit further down the track.

Mastermue · Post by **Mastermue** » Thu, 28. Sep 06, 20:35

New part? Cool. An enjoyable read bud!

Lookin' forward to the next part.

(Don't work yourself to death matey!)

Mercenary · Post by **Mercenary** » Fri, 29. Sep 06, 10:24

Good stuff,

A couple of pointers on speech, be concise with specific information but try not to go into detail or into in-depth explanations unless asked for by another character; also unless it’s a mannerism of a character, for example a computer synthesized voice, then use abbreviations, it’s; they’re; we’re, because these are more natural in speech and flow better, (however there are times for all the words to be spoken in full when used to emphasis a point and usually said slowly for effect).

“That we are here is due to a jumpdrive failure. Controls must have taken damage in a fight we were in, well, trying to get out of, would be more correct. After entering the sector we had the same problem you did, computer went mad. Luckily we managed to resolve the problem before having to resort to shooting the computer.”

Try: “Our jumpdrive misfired, instead of Lucky Planets we ended up here, I guess the control unit got fried by some less than friendly people. Whatever messed up your ship did the same to us, only I managed to fix it rather than resorting to extreme measures.”

A couple of typo’s, missing an ‘I’ after “Well,” and change “masterpiece was an AI that is ..” to “masterpiece is an AI that’s..” (the AI still exists in the present time and place)

“How generous of you. We may still become friends some tazura if you keep going like this.” Arox interjected.

Not a mistake, just an alternative:
“Praise is gratefully recorded and logged. Playback reminder tag for nighttime subliminal messaging activated. Please go on.”

And Cromancketal’s appears to have suddenly taken lessons from Yoda

“Tagor is, well, ex-ASS. We believe his cover blew resulting in some bad pirates trying to kill him. I couldn’t just stand by and watch. So he is with me now. As far as the Argon Secret Service is concerned his is missing in action. He also happens to be the son of Ban Danna’s.”

Not wrong, but another suggestion in terms of speech flow ..
“Tagor is, well, ex-A.S.S. Somehow his cover got blown which, as you can image, made him seriously unpopular. And me being me, unable to stand back and watch a fight thought I would jump in to help. The trouble is I think I chose the wrong side and now I’m stuck with him. Actually it’s worse than that, he’s the son of Ban Danna and the Service think he’s K.I.S.”

“Right boys. We should get back to Lucky Planets. You need to clean up, and actually, so do Tagor and I. And I am sure Ban Danna is desperately waiting for the data he requested. Arox, how are you getting on?”

Missed a trick here:
“Right boys. Talking about Luck, something we’ve had preciously little of recently, we need to fire the burners and leave some vapour. But first, Crom you stink, Tagor you’re not much better and I need a shower. Anyone suggesting we all go at the same time had better think about spaceflies!”

7 day week's deserves one long holiday..

The Zig · Post by **The Zig** » Fri, 29. Sep 06, 16:49

Hey, KiwiNZ. Likin it as usual!

Uh... Merc, hate to be argumentative, but I disagree about one point

change “masterpiece was an AI that is ..” to “masterpiece is an AI that’s..” (the AI still exists in the present time and place)

I disagree.
To say "Sor’s last masterpiece is an AI that's beyond everything else in the Universe..."
Would suggest to me that Sor is alive. (Sor is dead IIRC).

KiwiNZ original text was:
"Sor’s last masterpiece was an AI that is beyond everything else in the Universe..."
The "that is" clearly places said masterpiece in the present tense. The 'was' agrees with 'last' to clearly place Sor in the past tense (i.e. dead).
While 'is' may be acceptable, I think KiwiNZ's original choice is clearer.

As an example, I would not say "Roald Dahl's last book is The Vicar of Nibbleswicke."
Sure the book still exists, but the author does not; I would choose "was".

edit: if I got the wrong end of the stick and Sor is alive and Val knows this, then I think the line should be:
"Sor’s latest masterpiece is an AI that's beyond everything else in the Universe..."

Mercenary · Post by **Mercenary** » Sat, 30. Sep 06, 09:40

The Zig wrote:Hey, KiwiNZ. Likin it as usual!

Uh... Merc, hate to be argumentative, but I disagree about one point
change “masterpiece was an AI that is ..” to “masterpiece is an AI that’s..” (the AI still exists in the present time and place)
I disagree.
To say "Sor’s last masterpiece is an AI that's beyond everything else in the Universe..."
Would suggest to me that Sor is alive. (Sor is dead IIRC).

Valid point, my only reason for saying "is" was that the AI is actually present in the room to overhear the conversation. So the use of 'is' was in direct relation and acts as more of an introduction of the AI, who's (as I read it) the focus of the statement.

Go with whatever.

KiwiNZ · Post by **KiwiNZ** » Mon, 2. Oct 06, 00:31

Thanks heaps guys!

Thanks also for all the suggestions, Merc. Will have a closer look and, as usual, probably implement pretty much all of them

As for the dispute around Sor's masterpiece, I'd go with Zig's argumentation. The 'was' refers to Sor who is assumed MiA, i.e. dead. So the last thing he did was creating the AI, which (at present) is the most advanced piece of its kind. I agree with you, Merc, that using past and present in the same sentence is probably not a good thing to do, though.

BTW, New Zealand is still quite nice but it rains more often than in London.

Nevermind, I'll try and make the most of my time here.

KiwiNZ · Post by **KiwiNZ** » Wed, 8. Nov 06, 23:12

Right chaps. I think it took me long enough.

Chapter finished below ++++++

Sorry, had too much work to do lately. Will try to increase the frequency of updates again. Trouble with holidays is always that I appear to need 'after holidays' holidays.

Lochen · Post by **Lochen** » Sat, 11. Nov 06, 02:33

Was wondering what had happened to the story, finaly get a new chapter and it stops mid-idea.

*has a hard time reading half-ideas*
Quite an intresting way to end it.

KiwiNZ · Post by **KiwiNZ** » Sat, 11. Nov 06, 09:46

The Zig · Post by **The Zig** » Sun, 12. Nov 06, 05:08

Nice part dude. Good to see it going strong!

Look forward to getting back properly on-line - I been missing my daily fan-fic fix!

Mastermue · Post by **Mastermue** » Thu, 23. Nov 06, 22:25

Have finally had time to catch up with this story....Great read!

One stop from the last part

However piloted the other ship appeared to know every single one of their moves. After the initial shots from the turrets, no other chance presented itself to rake that ship with plasma.

Change the 'However' to either 'Whoever' or 'Whomever' (can't remember which one would be appropriate.)

KiwiNZ · Post by **KiwiNZ** » Thu, 23. Nov 06, 22:38

Thanks MM and good to see you around again. I already thought you had dropped off at the edge of the disc.

Good spot, 'whoever' it is.

Thanks

Mastermue · Post by **Mastermue** » Thu, 23. Nov 06, 22:49

Nah, just REALLY busy!

Finally found enough time to catch up though (YAY!)

egosoft.com

egosoft.com

Red Glow - Chapter 22 (COMPLETED: 08.11.2006)