The Deep Void Chapter 2 Part 3 (new layout as always now)

[vader146]

A few hours later I found myself dressed in a blue sweater and jeans, walking down a long dark corridor.
This corridor seemed much more gloomy than most that I had laid eyes on so far and gave one a sense of foreboding.

Where Saint was taking me I was completely oblivious to
Although he had said with some urgency as we rushed out of the medical ward that it was ‘of the utmost importance.’

This had made me feel slightly curious to say the least, along with a few other feelings including isolation, discomfort and nervousness. I had never enjoyed being kept in the dark.

Lost in my own head it took me a few seconds to realize that saint had stopped and this concluded in me having to backtrack a few paces.

Raising my head slightly I found myself staring at a large metallic door with a number pad planted into the wall just to the right. Then Saint began to tap in a few numbers rapidly.

As the doors slid smoothly open I found myself standing in front of a rather magnificent room.
Many things in this room seemed to be made of splendidly polished oak which was very hard to come by in this area of the galaxy.

The floor gleamed brilliantly and two large book cases ran the length of the walls either side of me rising up to what was a fairly high ceiling.
A thick royal blue carpet with golden embroidery flowed down the centre of the room to a fabulous desk with the most expensive and elaborates of stationary placed upon it.

Behind this desk was a rather expensive looking black leather chair in which was seated a very well built man with a flattop haircut and broad shoulders which matched his firm jaw superbly.

He made me feel quite threatened and this emotion was only made worse once I realized that Saint was shaking slightly next to me. I swallowed!

“Please come forward!” said the man in a harsh voice.
It wasn’t a request it was an order.

Saint and I advanced to within a metre of the desk and then my eyes caught sight of two very plain iron stools right in-front of us.
I made to sit down and the wind was knocked out of me.
Saint had flung his arm out very forcefully to stop me.

“Very good Saint,” bellowed the man, “that’s the problem with the British no respect for their superiors.”

I felt indignation rise in my chest and tried to hold it in but to no avail. After all that had happened to me that comment was the last fragment of a percent I had needed.

Although not shouting it was very hard to constrain myself from doing so and my voice came out in an extremely shaky and aggressive manner.

“Respect for their superiors?” I began in a disbelieving voice.
I noticed now that Saint was staring at me; obviously the Americans did not often see and approve of this kind of behaviour.

“The last time we trusted and respected a superior it got several thousand people killed.” My eyes were now wide forcing themselves to penetrate the glare of the man in front of me.

“Our commanding officer sold us out, and all for money. I feel a man who values money and power over his people’s safety must be mentally sick.” And then I felt a disgusted look come across my face to match the new feeling inside.

“Power,” replied the officer, now bending over his desk so his face was only a couple of inches from mine, “is one of the most important things in this galaxy.”

These words were the ones needed to completely piss me off. Never before these past couple of days had I encountered so much greed and ruthlessness.

“SO,” now I was shouting, it was as if a thick pane of glass had finally been smashed “YOU CONSIDER THE LIVES OF INNOCENT PEOPLE AN INCONVENIENCE OR A TOOL YOU CAN USE AS YOU WISH?”

The officer in front of me opened his mouth but no words escaped his lips as mine came out first.

“SHUT UP!!!” I yelled.

“YOU ARE GOING TO LISTEN TO ME AND YOU WILL GIVE ME WHAT I NEED….FIRSTLY” I cut in as the officer opened his mouth again.

“I DON’T KNOW WHO ATTACKED THE REMERA IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW, THE CRAFTS WERE LIKE NOTHING I’VE EVER SEEN BEFORE.” I now felt it was time to calm down again.

“This is my problem, I’m the one that needs revenge and if you send in your army believe me they will be obliterated.” These words came out in a hateful whisper.

“I wish to launch a secret mission to find and infiltrate the HQ of the species that attacked my friends and partners along with others.” Now my voice was serious and full of meaning.

“All I need is a decent sized ship which can hold around…oh…” I waved my hand dismissively, “six men. And it must have decent firepower.”

“Well...” gasped the officer, “I suppose it could be arranged.”

“Good,” I slapped my hands on the desk, “have it in dock number ten by eleven this evening if that’s possible.”

The officer nodded staring at me in disbelief.

With this I span on the spot and strode towards the door with Saint following in my wake.

At the door I looked back and informed the officer, in a would be cheery voice,
“Don’t worry about a crew, I’ll get my own.”

As the darkness of the corridor outside swallowed me up a voice drifted out the door, much gentler than it had been before.

“And good luck to you,” it said in a strangely soothing way, “the path of revenge can be difficult.”

And with this Saint typed rapidly on the keypad once again and the doors slid shut hiding the man inside.

Smiling, I followed saint who was now disappearing into the darkness.

[FourFingers]

interesting...

i'll see where this goes.

[simonnance]

*cue yoda voice*

I sense such anger in you.

Fear, Anger Agression, the dark side are they.

*cue end of yoda voice*

Good job though. i would have expected a bit more of an argument over a ship seeing the atmosphere though, the American seemed to cave in a bit too easily....

It flows ok though

[vader146]

The reason the officer didn't try to hard to argue back was that he was a bit schocked that somebody had dared to answer back to him and he wasn't quite sure what to make of it.
Also at a couple of points he did try to cut in but Steve cut him out before he could say anything.

[simonnance]

sure.

just someone shocked and insulted by such a lack of respect and deference is unlikely to give him a ship.

Its a minor thing, apart from that it seems to flow quite well.

[SteveMill]

Good atmosphere and plot development but you probably need to work on varying pace as well. Take the opening.

A few hours later I found myself dressed in a blue sweater and jeans, walking down a long dark corridor.

This corridor seemed much more gloomy than most that I had laid eyes on so far and gave one a sense of foreboding.

Where Saint was taking me I was completely oblivious to
Although he had said with some urgency as we rushed out of the medical ward that it was ‘of the utmost importance.’

This had made me feel slightly curious to say the least, along with a few other feelings including isolation, discomfort and nervousness. I had never enjoyed being kept in the dark.

Lost in my own head it took me a few seconds to realize that saint had stopped and this concluded in me having to backtrack a few paces.

If you tighten up the language it gets an edge, says what needs to be said, short and punchy. Phrases like 'this had made me' are Sin 1 - the passive voice.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/ ... tpass.html

It is to be shunned in writing - recognising and mastering it improves writing no end. Here's a quick rewrite as an example. I try to use the narrative voice to give more immediate character to the focus character.

A few hours later, dressed in sweater and jeans, I followed Saint down a corridor, gloomy with foreboding. I didn’t know where to but ‘it was of the utmost importance’ he said, without elaborating. I hate being kept in the dark, it makes me feel isolated, nervous, introspective and it took me a couple of seconds to notice Saint had stopped. I back-tracked hastily.

Steve

[FourFingers]

Thats really good advice, that passive voice thing is a killer..
I know 'cos i do that same thing all the time (work in pharm. research field) early on i used the passive voice without realising it as its what im used to and it's only when my friends read it and point it out that I even knew what a passive voice was!

It's talking or narrating about something as though its already happened, like it happened awhile ago and you're now telling someone else.
It loses the immediacy, and makes what you are saying seem less..

I still have to check my writting and have had to change many many lines because of it.

[SteveMill]

Thats really good advice, that passive voice thing is a killer..
I know 'cos i do that same thing all the time (work in pharm. research field) early on i used the passive voice without realising it as its what im used to and it's only when my friends read it and point it out that I even knew what a passive voice was!

It's talking or narrating about something as though its already happened, like it happened awhile ago and you're now telling someone else.
It loses the immediacy, and makes what you are saying seem less..

I still have to check my writting and have had to change many many lines because of it.

It's one of those things highly educated people are particularly prone to - it's fine for academic reporting but death for prose, where there is almost no good reason for ever using it.

For fiction writers, recognising and eliminating it is by far the single most useful lesson to learn.

[vader146]

ok cheers steve good advice
also just ordered the first Frey book so I should get that soon.

[SteveMill]

ok cheers steve good advice
also just ordered the first Frey book so I should get that soon.

Excellent!

[vader146]

the book arrived 2day I'll start reading as soon as I finish this Discworld novel by terry pratchett
(guards guards)

[simonnance]

classic book, the gone is cool!

how many discworld you read, ive just finished the newest one (on tuesday actualy)

[vader146]

this is only the 2nd one i'll have read. Only just started them about a week ago I guess.

[FourFingers]

I read them from time to time,
used to read them alot when i was younger.. (about 2yrs ago )

[WarFrigAte]

so whens the next chapter in this story im looking forward to it

[vader146]

soon my friend. just been busy with exams and projects and whatnot.

[KiwiNZ]

Very good read and intersting conversation. He surely had the ofrficer stunned

Looking forward to the next part.