Jerron's Return [chapter 2]

[RJV]

Hi,

Please find chapter 2 of Jerron's Return below. Please comment as you see fit - as always any comment you wish to make will be gratefully received. Enjoy.

Read Chapter 1 here

********

The trip to the Cattle Ranch was quiet. Nothing but the hum of the recirc and the gentle vibrations of the Cecilia Ann’s powerplant to disturb the silence. As the station slowly loomed into view, Geisler thought back to Pontus’ closing words. ‘Be careful’. There was something about the way he’d said that. Something that suggested Pontus knew a lot more than he was saying. It was true, Jerron hadn’t wanted to give his old friend the full story, but he suspected his friend was doing the same. There was no reason to suspect Pontus of course, no reason to suggest he had anything but good intentions, hell, he’d saved his life at least twice in recent jazuras, but still…

‘Approaching Cattle Ranch Alpha’. The Mercury’s command system informed him he was nearly at his destination. Geisler tightened his harness, then reached across to activate the trade computer. A second later the results displayed in the HUD. There was apparently a shipment of microchips waiting to go from the Trading station to the satellite factory. He tapped in a command and offered his services. The reply came back instantly. ‘Hired’. Geisler smiled to himself. He was getting to like this.

The hiss of the docking tube heralded the start of a barrage of noise. The quiet of the Mercury's cockpit was shattered as the brutal environment of the Red Light Trading Station docking bay intruded without ceremony. After departing the Cattle Ranch, a short flight had brought him here and it seemed, if anything, noisier and busier than he had ever known it.

‘We’ll start loading straight away’, said the obsequious freight handler, nodding continuously as he approached Jerron. He handed Geisler a SoftTab; Geisler glanced at the information displayed on it.
'What's this?' He indicated the freight charge on the ST. 'I signed up for this trip a few hours ago, and it explicitly said freight charges were to be waived'. He stopped walking and turned to look at the handler, leaning forward so that his face was inches away from the station employee. 'Waive the charge', Jerron said slowly, placing his hand on the handler's shoulder. The handler nodded too quickly, and responded with what Jerron assumed was a 'Yes' but sounded more like the yelp of a wounded dog.

A few moments later the handler returned and explained apologetically that the addition of freight charges was a simple oversight, and would Geisler please take a credit voucher and avail himself of the refreshment facilitues aboard the station. Jerron smiled to himself and graciously accepted.

Geisler descended the stairway down onto the refreshment level of the trading station. This too had been spruced up since the last time he was here, but it had lost none of its former charm. ‘Tito’s restaurant’ was still there in the corner, though Tito seemed to have put on a few pounds since he’d last seen him. He also seemed to have turned into a Boron.

Jerron stepped aside for a passing grav-truck then pushed open a set of double-doors that would lead him to the pilot refreshment area. As the doors closed behind him he heard a sharp tap-tap noise. He jerked his head around, to be met by a gloved fist in the mouth. The impact sent him spinning, but he managed to retain enough of his wits to keep his balance. His first reaction was to get a quick look at his assailant and where was, rather than blindly flailing at him. He caught sight of a tall Argon man whom he didn’t recognise, striding over to him and aiming a kick. Geisler took the impact full on the left forearm and pained seared through it up to his shoulder. He turned away to the right slightly then spun around, his right arm extending towards its target. He hit the unnamed Argon on the cheek, and watched as he staggered back. Both men were in pain now, but Geisler was no nearer to knowing who the attacker was or what he wanted.

The standoff lasted a couple of seconds before the Argon attacked with surprising swiftness. He closed the gap between them in an instant, and caught Jerron with a stinging blow to the side of the head. Dazed, Jerron tried to retreat, but his opponent was too quick for him. Another blow to the face, drawing blood from a cut lip, this time followed by a kick to the ribs. For the first time, Jerron was fearful. He’d been in more fights than he cared to mention, but at least he either knew who he was fighting or why. This time, he knew neither. As the other man approached Geisler knew he had one chance and had to make it pay. As the Argon’s left arm swung out to land another blow, Geisler intercepted it with his right hand, pushing it across from right to left. Using the momentum of the swing as a lever, he twisted sharply, pulling the Argon toward him and pushing down. The Argon was caught off balance and stumbled, stretching out his hand to stop himself from falling. Geisler was ready; as the Argon’s hand hit the floor he stamped down hard and kept all his weight there. Then as his opponent tried to pull free, Geisler grabbed him tightly round the neck and used his other foot to kick hard at the outstretched arm. Both men heard the crack of bone and Geisler felt the Argon’s resistance collapse. As his opponent sank to the floor Jerron realised that his head was spinning, and that moment’s disorientation was all the invitation the Argon needed. Scrambling on his knees and one good arm, Jerron’s attacker stumbled through the doors and disappeared into a crowd of passing tourists.

Geisler sank back against the wall and tried to regain some sort of composure. His breath came in ragged gasps and he consciously fought to slow his breathing, to calm himself down. He brought his hand up to his mouth; his lip still hurt but the bleeding seemed to have stopped. He probably hurt less than the other guy, he thought, that arm break was a nasty one. Geisler stood slowly, flexing his arm. It was sore, but nothing that would slow him down. He glanced up, hopefully. There, in the corner, was a security cam, but who knew whether it was activated? Taking a final deep breath, he pushed the double doors open, and went in search of the security office.

************

Cheers,

Rob

[gerrythegremlin]

ouch - too abrupt. You start with movement from a to b, and piloting, you have to maintain the sense of space and travel, or....

But still has direction...
Hey, if you find a way to string the bits together, i might even edit this comment to suit

[RJV]

ouch - too abrupt. You start with movement from a to b, and piloting, you have to maintain the sense of space and travel, or....

But still has direction...
Hey, if you find a way to string the bits together, i might even edit this comment to suit

Thanks for the input. The fight scene IS supposed to be abrupt - a shock to Geisler's senses, and a distinct contrast to the piloting/reflecting that has come before. That said, the plan for the remainder focuses more heavily on the story behind the fight, rather than a straight 'piloting' story, so perhaps that should have carried more weight. Something to think about, and again, thanks.

Cheers,

Rob.

[General Morphit]

Just a few points on the text itself:

‘Approaching Cattle Ranch Alpha’. The Mercury’s command system informed him he was nearly at his destination.

You say the same thing twice here, as a rule i think you have to show, not tell. Just clip the 'he was nearly at his destination.'

After departing the Cattle Ranch, a short flight had brought him here and it seemed, if anything, noisier and busier than he had ever known it.

'a short flight had brought him here and' doesn't fit into the sentence, and you need something to tie it together, like 'it had seemed to Jerron' and and overuse of commas, try cutting them down to a maximum of 2 if you can.

He stopped walking and turned to look at the handler, leaning forward so that his face was inches away from the station employee. 'Waive the charge', Jerron said slowly, placing his hand on the handler's shoulder. The handler nodded too quickly, and responded with what Jerron assumed was a 'Yes' but sounded more like the yelp of a wounded dog.

Seems a bit over-reactive, maybe it Jerrons style. If it is, it would be nice to show it off a bit more.

He also seemed to have turned into a Boron.

In what way? Heavy drinker or something? Needs something to convey what you mean, I'm sure you know, but does the reader?

His first reaction was to get a quick look at his assailant and where was, rather than blindly flailing at him.

Where 'he' was. Also doesnt flow well with the story, have his mind override the urge to flail, and get a good look in.

There, in the corner, was a security cam, but who knew whether it was activated?

Too many commas again, try breaking it up into two bigger sentences, like 'There, in the corner, was a security cam. But, he wondered, would it have caught the fight?
Also, in the fight scene, where there not any bystanders? If so, why didnt they help? If not, why not?

Its a good adddition, but still not into any serious story. Still needs more plot to get it moving. Try to think of some side plot, draw in another character and make the format a bit more familiar.
So, I await the next bit. Hopefully we'll start to find out what this Geisler is all about.

[RJV]

Hi,

Many thanks General Morphit. Your comments are both thoughtful and informative, and are exactly the kind of feedback I was hoping to get. It's all too easy to 'know' what is happening in your own story, and forget that the reader needs either to be told, or given enough clues to work it out for themselves.

Part 3 is in the works, and is where Jerron's history returns with a vengeance. On reflection I should have brought more details in earlier, but there you go.

Again, many thanks.

Rob.