Jerron's Return - Chapter 3

[RJV]

Hi,

Next instalment below. As always, comments and criticisms are invited and gratefully received.

Read Chapter 1 here

Read Chapter 2 here

**************

Chapter 3....

‘Look, I just need to see the feed’.

‘And I said “No”, friend’. The security guard looked up disdainfully from his chair. Geisler got the impression that security guards here treated everyone as though they were the by-products of a rastar refinery.

The office they were in was small, with scarcely enough room for a desk and a chair. The desk was arrayed along the wall opposite the door, with a large vid-panel taking up most of the space. The cooling equipment for the wall-mounted computer equipment provided an ambient hum, but seemed to make little difference to the office temperature, which was already making Jerron sweat. The whole place had a deeply claustrophobic air to it.

Jerron shook his head and tried one more time to reason with the guard. ‘I was attacked, and I need to see who it was’.

The security guard sighed deeply and stood. He wore the faded blue tunic of Station Security but was far from a credit to his uniform. He tugged at his sleeves and raised himself to his full height. He was a full head shorter than Geisler, but in his own mind the blaster at his hip more than made up for that.

‘This will be an internal security matter’ he said in the patronising, condescending voice he had been perfecting for the last 5 mizuras. ‘If you report it to the proper authorities, then you will be given an official incident number.’ He patted the handle of his blaster affectionately. ‘You will then be able to – ’.

‘Forget it’, barked Geisler, storming out of the office and slamming the door. Reporting an incident officially, especially a one-on-one fight with no witnesses was a sure-fire way to get it buried. The Argon had taken off in a hurry, and getting people to talk without bribery or threats was nigh-on impossible. Easier to drop it and keep vigilant. He glanced at his watch; loading up the microchips should be about done. He turned left and headed along the corridor that would take him to the hangar bay.

Still fuming he rounded a corner, and was greeted by a sight that stopped him dead in his tracks. Instantly he felt his throat go dry, followed quickly by an ache in the pit of his stomach. He had an almost overwhelming desire to turn away, but found that he couldn’t. No more than 20 metres along a brightly-lit corridor stood a group of 3 men. The hierarchy of command in the group was clear; the 2 men who flanked the central figure were clearly subservient, while the apparent group leader appeared to be talking to someone in an adjoining room. The central figure was over 2 metres tall, and even dressed in the loose recreational garb he was wearing, gave the air of physical strength and power. Geisler stared for nearly a full mizura at the figure at the other end of the corridor, his heart racing so much he could almost feel it in his neck. Fighting the impulse to walk towards the group he backed around the corner, squeezing his hands into tight fists. He leaned his head back against the wall and took 3 deep breaths. Sabian. It was inevitable that he’d run in to him of course. After all, wasn’t that the reason he had come back?

The voices faded, and Jerron stepped carefully around the corner. As with much of the rest of the trading station, the corridor was dimly lit, the dirty greying walls seeming to absorb what light there was, giving the station feeling of being deep underground. His thoughts raced from his attacker to Sabian, and round again. What had been his prime focus only mizuras ago was being quickly kicked to the back of his mind. Now there was only Sabian.

He continued down the corridor, to the room where Sabian had been holding his conversation, but there was no sign of anyone, no indication that there was anyone around. The door was a standard internal station door, three inch plate, blaster proof and controlled by an old card swipe. Jerron waved his own pilot’s pass at the unit, and was unsurprised to hear the accusatory beep that told him he wasn’t getting in there with that. The sound of approaching footsteps intruded on his musings, and he resumed his original journey along the corridor to the hangar bay. Short of chasing around the station asking questions, something that would certainly raise his profile to high levels and draw unwanted attention to himself, there was only one course of action open to him. As he passed a group of Teladi pilots heading to the crew rest facility he smiled gently to himself, as though a dark nebula around him had suddenly been cleared. His task now was clear. He’d allowed himself to be surprised by Sabian’s presence, then distracted by whatever business Sabian was carrying out.

Suddenly the focus that had been missing had returned.

He was in Red Light because of a past injustice.
He was here to finish what he’d previously been unable to.
He was here to recover what was his.

He was here to kill Sabian.

**************

Cheers,

Rob.

[RJV]

Tough crowd......

[Sagan]

Tough crowd......

Good read there RJV... but I believe I already said that in TMG

[RJV]

Tough crowd......

Good read there RJV... but I believe I already said that in TMG

Aye, that you did... Still I was hoping for one or two more comments, even if along the lines of 'Stop posting this poo-doo and get back to your day job' (hey, there's an invitation).

So, in the wake of all this, I have written (almost) chapter 4 anyway, and will post it out of sheer bloody-mindedness. Watch this space...

[General Morphit]

Hmm, sorry I haven't posted on this one yet. Hopefully It'll get a bit of a bump

I'm still not sure exactly where this is all going. You seem to have laid a hell of a lot of threads on the table, none of which seem to have a start or a finish is sight. I think that must be the main problem with the story. By having an uncertain start you've cut the accessability us readers have to it. The protaganist is developing but we have no history of him. It's like I'm on the main course after missing the starter, the dessert looks tempting, but I dont know what it is yet, and theres an aweful lot of veg left to go.

Overall I dont think you need to rewrite the whole story but it needs something before hand. Why is Jerron out to kill Sabian? Who is he? So far we dont have a solid location, and just fleeting glimpses of other characters. I really think you've got a plot worked out, characterisations in your head but you need to get things in an order that makes sense. Dont go all apocalyptic with some murder plan. If its a murder then it needs to be more subtle, and develop with a reason. Get some subplots worked out, these can help introduce other characters and make them seem more human rather than automatons acting out the script.

Keep working at it. Where theres a will theres a way.