Assassins Curse Chap5

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Urashima Keitaro
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Assassins Curse Chap5

Post by Urashima Keitaro » Tue, 30. Nov 04, 23:14

The Great Escape

The commander opened the door and climbed in, eyes wide with fear. “You have to get away, now! They want me as much as anyone does; I’m a sitting duck if I stay here. This is my one chance of escape and I won’t let you blow it.”

He brought out a concealed berretta and cocked it, aiming at Gustav's head, "Now, drive."

After a few attempts at starting the car it gurgled into life, its V4 engine whining as it was forcibly shifted into first gear.

The last remaining guards forced themselves into the garage. These were the skilled guys now, all the skills of a sniper and none of the hold-backs. One bullet went through the rear window, just scraping against Terrik’s ear. Quickly, he got his gun out and pointed it at the firing guards.

Gustav looked intently at the analogue dials in front of him. Shifting it from second to first he watched as the speed climbed, but he knew it would be a close call, the sliding door of the garage was still closing, and from what he could see the door would destroy the car if he impacted it.

Jamming it into fourth he saw the speedometer slowly climb up, 67, 68, 69, 70. If this car could go just a few mph faster then there was a chance that they’d get out alive, albeit, with a few parts missing.. Suddenly, a bullet blasted through the rev dial, and he heard a coughing and spluttering from the engine, and then back to the whine as it recovered.

Hearing more gunshots he turned back and saw Terrik open fire, and Dafs take out his weapon, grinning mercilessly.

More guards were now coming to the steps, and more guards were getting shot off, the steps slick with bloody remains.

Dafs took careful aim and sent a few bullets into the chest of one of the guards at the top of the steps. Slowly, he crumpled and fell on to the steps, any chance of him staying alive were zero.

One of the guards took a careful aim and fired into the tyre, his eyes glinting as he saw the tyre explode, before a shot from Terrik left his heart sputtering on the floor.

Gustav gunned it through the garage as this happened, somehow he had to keep control of the car as it kept trying to veer off into the wall. Concentrating like a man possessed he just managed to turn it into the ever-fading gap the garage door was giving.

He heard a loud scrape from the rear as the door slowly made its impact on the bodywork. Finally, after all the work he had done in keeping the car straight he let it spin, his knuckles completely white. Slumping back in his seat, he tried to get his breath back and simply said, “Boy, trust them to make a difficult job nigh on impossible.”

*************************************************************

He got out of the car to inspect the damage. Apart from having a flat tyre his car had ever increasing dents down the left hand side, culminating in a rather large hole where the rear light was recently apparent.

“Doubt this thing would pass an MOT at the moment. The quarter-panels are totalled and we’re missing one rear light. Looks like we’ll need to get this fixed, anyone got any money?”

At this moment, the commander, with a revolver aimed at his head, decided now would be the perfect time to lend a hand. After all, these guys helped him to escape from Yugorovski. “No money, but I can fix any automobile with any problem. I’ve got the skills. I mean, before being appointed by Yugorovski I was part of the British mechanic corps.”

“All I need is a hammer and a jack, and I could fix this with no problem.”

A few minutes later, after Gustav handed one of his daggers to the Commander, they were on the road.

Handing it back to Gustav, the Commander apologised about the state of what was a decently maintained knife, up until that point. “You may need a replacement dagger. The hilt, I’d say, has seen better days.”

Gustav stared at one of his prized possessions, the dagger that used to be his fathers, with a strange blade and an even stranger hilt and surveyed the damage. “What have you done to it? Do you know just how rare these blades are, do you know what the replacement costs would be?!”

The commander stared quizzically, “Yeah, I know, these were mine before your father got them, I say got, what I actually mean is stole, you see, I loaned them to your father but I never actually got them back. Of course I know the rarity and the catalogued price of these, considering they were mine before they were yours.”

“That’s crazy-talk; anyway what do you mean he stole them off you. He’s been dead for ages, ever since the peace-keeping exercise that cost him his life.”

“Ah, yes. Almost forgot about that. After the battle I sent those daggers to his sons. After all, I wanted them to have some heirlooms of their father, even though they weren’t particularly good ones. I am, or was Commander Eugene La Salle, of the 32nd peace-keeper squadron. You’re right, these belong to you, now, and your father always wanted me to leave you something of his.

“I was there at his funeral. Of course I was there for them all, and watched as all those snide political weeds send the rest of my troop on another pointless war. So I left, and joined Yugorovski, he seemed a good guy at the time but, it didn’t last. Eventually, I hated him like I hated every other politician.

“Thanks for freeing me; I only hope I can pay you back someday.”

Driving off, their first stop was the petrol station, as the Commander was the only one with money he fuelled the car.

*************************************************************

Slowly they came up to the fuel-depot, the car running on fumes. With a demonic efficiency they yanked the fuel hose into the tank, and watched as the money thay were paying for an ever-increasing amount of petrol went up and up. Soon, the tank was full and it started with almost no prompting from the driver, the last run doing the car good. As slow as they came, the speed in which they left was frightening.

Up the road came a heavily modified FWD Cavalier. Eugene recognised him, 2nd Grade Lieutenant Barakov. Barakov was a racer, before he enlisted for Yugorovski’s horde he was a gifted auto-mechanic and 2nd in the Ukrainian snow rally championship. Now, he was one of Yugorovski’s favourite leaders, the head of 10 elites of his own.

Jumping in he shouted, “Start the car, Gustav!! Start the car!”

Inserting the key, and twisting Gustav injected some life from the now fully fuelled Larda. Sticking his foot to the floor he accelerated off as fast as this little car could.

It seemed to take forever, and the Opel was catching them. On the other side of the car was one of Barakov’s trusted men. Hoisting a rocket launcher from the back seat on to his shoulder he leaned through the window. As soon as he got the little car in his sights he fired.

Gustav turned the car off the road as fast as he could, hoping that the jumps and uneven surface would prevent the other guy from shooting again. The rocket hit a tree, decimating the wooden frame as fragments got catapulted through the air.

Barakov knew they had entered his domain; dirt-track racing. He smiled, a psychotic grin of pure evil. That was the last mistake they’d ever make. Turning quickly he used the momentum to turn the rear of the car through an eighth of a circle. Now, the tyres squabbled with the surface for grip. Finally, after a few tenths of a second they bit. One way or another, this was going to be over very quickly.

Gustav gunned his car as fast as it would go over the uneven terrain, gripping the wheel as tightly as possible, his knuckles completely white and his eyes concentrating madly on the expanse ahead.

Again, the guy in the Cavalier leaned himself out of the window and shot another rocket at them. One time too many, he got flung out of the back of the car, he died on impact with the ground.

Barakov bared his teeth, this would be tougher then he thought as now he had to ram the escapees off the beaten track. Chances were, though, he would succeed in the objective. There was no way that they could outrun them in a pathetically slow Soviet car. He was a Soviet and he thought it was rubbish. That says something.

Gustav was pushing his car into the red zone, sooner or later the car would go. Dafs and Terrik nodded at each other and each picked up their assault weapon. They leaned out of the rear windows and manoeuvred their gun-sights to their targets. Letting off a few series of quick bursts they got back in and reloaded. They checked where the Cavalier was, after seeing the driver swerve and veer out of sight.

Now the Cavalier was back on their tail and was on a collision course. Its front light was totally decimated, the front bumper was hanging on by a single shred of bodywork, and the engine was starting to smoke. Barakov drove his car right into the back of the Larda. It shuddered with the impact, the crunching sound of metal on metal screaming through the bodywork.

After hitting their heads on the front seats they turned around and aimed though the window again. One of their shots just missed Barakov’s head, just nicking his left ear. This is getting too close for comfort; I’ve got to escape while I still can. The smoking in his car got worse. I'm not going back to the base, Yugorovski's track record at dealing with failures made that thought scuicide.

Barakov slowed his car and gave a passive signal of surrender. There wasn’t much else he could do, he couldn't bear the sight of his blood. Slowly, he pulled the smoking car to a stop, and resignedly he got out. Damage report wasn’t looking good. He’d need to give it a few minutes of cool-off before going back in.

Suddenly, something in the car ignited, and it disappeared in a ball of flame. It lifted off about a foot off the ground, the force of the explosion ripping the car to shreds. He got disintegrated by the blast. All that was left of him were a few charred bone fragments, and a melted gold ear-ring.

Compared to what would’ve happened to him had he returned to Yugorovski, the death that he had was quick and relatively painless.

Gustav slammed on the brakes. The tyres scrabbled for traction as they fought to slow the car down. Soon they stopped and jumped out of the car, caution taking second place to intrigue. They got to the car just as the fire burnt itself out.

They were appalled by the sight that met them, and by the acrid smell of molten metal and burning rubber. There was a line of oil underneath where the car had been. Gustav smelled it, retched and covered his nose with his hand. Just as I thought, damned motor oil.

The commander looked at the remains of what was once his ally, “He was once a good friend, but he had no notion of human kindness. Once corrupted by Yugorovski, he was hooked and nothing was going to let him go. Maybe it’s best that he died this way. He was never going to see the error of his ways.”

*************************************************************

Gustav turned on his pager. He had received three new messages. One was from Luciano and his brother, both trying to hog the line, one was from Johnny, the British agent and the last was from Spyro himself.

First, he sent a message back to Luciano:

Just got out of Yugorovski’s hell-hole, along with two new friends. One is commander Eugene La Salle, your old friend from the war. We are taking this baby home back to the hotel, then I’m getting out of here, my suspicions are Yugorovski’s moving his base of operations. Not sure where though. I’ll get our English friend to figure it out for us. Maybe I’ll even give him some of the reward as compo. You know how bad he wants Yugorovski and how bad he wants to be at home, lets give him the chance to kill two birds with one stone.

Then he sent another to Johnny:

You know what you have to do, Johnny. Track down Yugorovski by any covert or non-covert means necessary. As soon as you find out send one message to me and the other to Luciano, telling us exactly, to the nearest room, where his current base of operations is. What I’m asking is potentially life threatening and could also end up with your wife and kids dead. However, you will be paid for your trouble, in whatever currency you want. What I’m offering you is a way to pay back Yugorovski for the pain he’s caused and a way to get back home. At the moment just find him, the rest is up to us.

Finally, one last one to Spyro:

Still on the road to recovery, eh, sensei? Hope you get better soon. Almost got our mission blown by Yugorovski’s henchmen. They ambushed us at our hotel and took us to their prison inside an oversized plastic bag. We escaped though, with a Russian spec-ops person called Terrik Breshkhev. Maybe you’ve heard of him? Anyway teach, keep fighting and get better. Fight to survive. Whatever you do, don’t quit on us yet. We’ve still got quite a while to complete the mission, but soon Yugorovski won’t have an organisation to work with. We’re going to give him just enough rope to hang himself with.




This is chapter 5. Well, hope you enjoy, I've bloody well given up asking for feedback. I just hope that sometime after the hols people will start to give me feedback again... :cry:

Therjw being the ONLY exception. (SpamUp sucks btw...) :lol:

All feedback was welcome, thank you to Mon Mothma, SteveMills and Mercenary for the constructive criticism. Oh, and BTW ideas fr chapter eight are no longer needed. Chapter 9 will be where I get stuck. You'll get chapt 6 and maybe 7 later today.

Chapter eight is a work in prouction.
Last edited by Urashima Keitaro on Wed, 1. Dec 04, 14:24, edited 1 time in total.

Mon Mothma
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Post by Mon Mothma » Wed, 1. Dec 04, 06:13

FWDs brake better than RWD for the same reason RWD acellerate better. More weight on the wheels making the change in velocity. The aside regarding cars was VERY out of place, btw, and ruined the continuity of the story.

SteveMill
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Post by SteveMill » Wed, 1. Dec 04, 10:39

Slowly, he brought out a Berretta, which he had cleevrly concealed, and pointed it at Gustav’s head. “Now, drive.”
All that needs is 'he took out a concealed baretta.'

By using a compound sentence like that you break the suspense, stepping outside it in mid sentence. As a general rule if you're doing tense action short sentences are better.
Gustav was looking
Look out for the passive voice. Any use of 'had' , has or was indicates a possible use of PV. The biggest tip I've had battered into me is - 'avoid the passive voice'.
steps now covered with a glistening red liquid.


Evoke more, no need to be coy. 'Steps slick with blood'?
Gustav was gunning
More passive voice (I'll stop pointing it out now. PV robs action of immediacy. This particular action sequence would be better if you stick to the chronology of events.

Gunning car, shots, wrestling for control.

Your eye for action and detail is really good though.
A few minutes later, after Gustav handed one of his daggers to the Commander, they were on the road. “You may need a replacement dagger. The hilt, I’d say, has seen better days.”
Again - get it in sequence. On the road he handed him a dagger. 'That hilt could shatter at the first blow, take this.' Something like that.
“That’s crazy-talk;
:) Liked that!
The rocket hit a tree, and the explosion could be heard from miles around, the smouldering remains of the tree flying through the air, and impacting wherever the explosion sent it.
The rocket blew a tree to smouldering fragments.

Keep it short and exciting - you don't need every detail, you can leave a lot to the imagination of the reader.
Smiling evilly, Barakov knew
Try to avoid cliches like evil smiles and by and large you should have the action first (the realisation) and then the response to the realisation (evil smile). The same with speech. Unless there is a specific dramatic point ot be made by playing with this convention, stick to time-sequence.

All in all I enjoyed this action sequence but it would be even better if you redrafted it with the intention of knocking it down to half the word count. That would increase the tension. You don't need to describe everything insuch detail. If you PM me with an email address I can let you have an excellent little book in adobe format on editing.

You certainly have an eye for detail, action and intrigue, you just need to know when 'less is more'. I'll try and keep up with the feedback from now on.

Steve

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therjw
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Post by therjw » Wed, 1. Dec 04, 11:12

My god other people have replied :o
must be reverse psychology when you ask for replies you don’t get any but when you say you give up you go and get them :lol:
Still it was a good read to me but the redone one will probably be better. Roll on the next chapter
Last edited by therjw on Wed, 1. Dec 04, 13:17, edited 1 time in total.

Mercenary
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Post by Mercenary » Wed, 1. Dec 04, 13:14

Have to say I agree whole heartedly with Steve's comments.

For me the setting story isn't something that I would go out of my way to read. Though I do like a good bit of action in a story. :wink:

A lot of passive voice going on, but we all make that mistake.
Gustav applied the brakes of his car with some force, and it stopped, all the forward momentum sucked out of it by the brakes. They all got out and walked, slowly, to what was Barakov’s car.
Just highlighting the above paragraph to show how a subtle rewording might help in terms of flow.

"Gustav stamped on the brake. The wheels locked up, smoke billowing from the tyres. He fought with the steering as the rear slewd round on the wet ground. The car stopped, doors opened and they lept out.

Cautiously they approached the flaming wreck and stopped, held back by the heat of the the raging inferno before them."

Remember keep the action dynamic.

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Post by Urashima Keitaro » Wed, 1. Dec 04, 13:53

Thank you guys, getting rid of the debate about FWD and RWD now.
Mon Mothma wrote:FWDs brake better than RWD for the same reason RWD acellerate better. More weight on the wheels making the change in velocity. The aside regarding cars was VERY out of place, btw, and ruined the continuity of the story.
Sorry about that. It's just one of the few things I'm prone to, pointless debates...

And the cliches...

And the PV...

And the long sentences...

At least this time I got replies!!! :lol:
SteveMill wrote: Evoke more, no need to be coy. 'Steps slick with blood'?
Too true, but the reason I've been coy with that line is the same reason I haven't included much swearing, 'cept for the odd 'bastard' as it's for people who, erm, are generally younger then me, and older, and all the spectrum in between. Some people just think that having too much reference to blood, like swearing, is bad for them. Don't ask me why, I just view the results, I don't analyse 'em.

Thank you guys for the feedback, I'd almost given up. Your points were very well seen, and I hope, really I do, that you like the changes. At least some of them.

To Mercenary, Mon Mothma, SteveMills, and therjw, the one person who gave a damn, I give thanks. To profits, and to a good story...

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Post by SteveMill » Wed, 1. Dec 04, 14:36

Take your point about explicitness but you can evoke without being upsetting.

Even if what you're doing isn't our thing the important thing is to keep writing. They say you have to write 500,000 words before you get good, that's what my rogue series was. There's a lot of good things in what you write so maybe it's worth posting it on a writer's board?

The Creative Writing Academy is a place Merc posts another novel. You'll probably find a lot more readers there for your type of story.

http://www.arcane-artistry.net/index.php?

Merc can tell you more - I'm a member but I haven't been much of a participant.

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therjw
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Post by therjw » Wed, 1. Dec 04, 15:15

Zemethius wrote: To Mercenary, Mon Mothma, SteveMills, and therjw, the one person who gave a damn, I give thanks. To profits, and to a good story...
No problem

Urashima Keitaro
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Post by Urashima Keitaro » Wed, 1. Dec 04, 18:23

SteveMill wrote:Take your point about explicitness but you can evoke without being upsetting.

Even if what you're doing isn't our thing the important thing is to keep writing. They say you have to write 500,000 words before you get good, that's what my rogue series was. There's a lot of good things in what you write so maybe it's worth posting it on a writer's board?

The Creative Writing Academy is a place Merc posts another novel. You'll probably find a lot more readers there for your type of story.

http://www.arcane-artistry.net/index.php?

Merc can tell you more - I'm a member but I haven't been much of a participant.
Thanks, but the next thing I'm planning on writing will be much more your style. But, this has been a project since Spring. Which means I'm currently so far behind... :lol:

Far behind schedule... But I'm barely scraping the surface. This prob will take me until the end of 2006.

I'm still going for it. I'm gonna get so far during the hols. It's one thing I HAVE to do. Even I don't know when the ends gonna be, I barely know what the end is. And to get there, phew, is gonna take me more twists and turns then a person lost on the Spaghetti junction. :lol:

SteveMill
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Post by SteveMill » Thu, 2. Dec 04, 10:26

Zemethius wrote:
SteveMill wrote:Take your point about explicitness but you can evoke without being upsetting.

Even if what you're doing isn't our thing the important thing is to keep writing. They say you have to write 500,000 words before you get good, that's what my rogue series was. There's a lot of good things in what you write so maybe it's worth posting it on a writer's board?

The Creative Writing Academy is a place Merc posts another novel. You'll probably find a lot more readers there for your type of story.

http://www.arcane-artistry.net/index.php?

Merc can tell you more - I'm a member but I haven't been much of a participant.
Thanks, but the next thing I'm planning on writing will be much more your style. But, this has been a project since Spring. Which means I'm currently so far behind... :lol:

Far behind schedule... But I'm barely scraping the surface. This prob will take me until the end of 2006.

I'm still going for it. I'm gonna get so far during the hols. It's one thing I HAVE to do. Even I don't know when the ends gonna be, I barely know what the end is. And to get there, phew, is gonna take me more twists and turns then a person lost on the Spaghetti junction. :lol:

Go for it. :D

And check out the demo for the Writer's Cafe posted below. I'm very impressed, it's my main writing tool now. The ease with which you can plan scenes and multiple plots is good enough cause but it has facilities for journal nores, characters and settings - even writing tips and exercises.

As a productivity tool it is outstanding.

Urashima Keitaro
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Post by Urashima Keitaro » Thu, 2. Dec 04, 10:46

Now go and read Chap 6. It's there if you look. And I want feedback... :lol:

FROM YOU ALL!

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