Story: alone in the stars

[Hawk the slayer]

ok, ive just started to write this so if you have any comments, could you PLEASE PM me, and not write a reply until i say you can

Forget about that, you now can reply... cause im not getting any pms about it

(btw i will modify this when you can)

oh, and it is writen in some sort of screen play,

as thats the only way i know how to write these sort of things while making tham make sense.

Another addition, Mon Mothma, has agreed to help me with the story, so only she can make any additions to the topic.

[Hawk the slayer]

Captain Rees log....

We have just been given orders to go to the system Xenon 1337, our orders are to destroy some kind of super weapon that could endanger all life in the universe if it were to be completed, we have been set specific coordinates for a covert recon mission, i only hope we can succeed with our mission.

Captain Rees: "Ensign, whats our current distance from the Xenon sector?"

Ensign Codey: "our ETA is around 10 mizuras, Sir."

Weapons officer Sparrow: "Captain, should i have all weapons systems
power up?"

Captain Rees: "Sparrow, run a systems diagnosic on the weapons systems, ensure that everything is in order.

Weapons Officer Sparrow: "Aye Sir?"

Captain Rees: "Ensign, when our ETA comes to 2 mizuras, drop out of warp and prepare all ship personal to go to combat status."

Ensign Codey: "2 mizuras, Sir are you sure?"

Captain Rees: "Ensign!"

Ensign Codey: "Aye Sir."

The Reports for the Argon Intelligence Service (A.I.S.) were quite sceptical, all they knew is that some sort of new ship had been created, one without any known flaws, but as this was all the information that was known, the A.I.S. wanted to know more, they NEEDED to know more.
So they descided to give Captain Peter Rees an Experimental ship of there own, Using plans from the old M0 and M1, however with some help from the Split, the new ship was fitted with the fastest engines availible.
More Improvments had been made to the ship included a new radar system, equipped with the latest scaning imagery technology available,
Mi Ton had come up with some brand new armor which repaired itself when damaged, and the power generator had been changed so the ship was harder to pick up with long range sensors, and the final piece of technology, a cloaking device had been fitted aswell into the ship
, as this was a covert opperation the ship needed stealth.
The ships shuttle bay was also unique, as it housed a M6.
The name of the ship, FIREBLADE.

ETA 2 Mizuras.

Ensign Codey flips a switch on his comms board

Ensign Codey: "All personel, report to combat status, prep all fighters for combat, and check all equipment for optimum efficiency status"

Ensign Codey slows the ship out of warp drive, and ther is a sudden silence through out the bridge as the crew see what is in front of them.
A Massive ship of an unknown design, closes in on the Fireblade.

Ensign Codey: "What in the world...."

Captain Rees: "Evasive manouvers, Sparrow, get the weapons systems online, launch all fighter craft."

Weapons Officer Sparrow: "SIR, the shields, THERE OFFLINE!"

Captain Rees: "WHAT"

Captain Rees flips the switch on his comms board.

Captain Rees: "ENGINEERING, WHERE ARE MY SHIELDS?"

Engineer Spark: "Sir the power flow to the shields fried when you jumped out of warp, I think it might have been a power surge!"

Captain Rees: "Got any Suggestions?"

Suddently, the ships computer voice springs to life, "WARNING, MISSLE INBOUND, ETI 100 SEZURAS"

Tactical Officer Melek: "Sir, it's a hornet, but i am getting some strange readings, it's as if......OH GOD!"

Captain Rees: "Melek, what is it?"

Tactical Officer Melek: "Sir, you should have a look at this!"

The captain quickly pulls the sensor repeater monitor into his lap, and calls up a detailed redout on the enigmatic projectile. The preliminary scan by the sensors noted several oddities. It was both larger and faster than any missile on record. . . and a density readout showed a massive payload. And it was shielded. The captain had little doubt that such a behemoth missile would gut the ship with all hands.

With the Modified hornet coming even closer, the Captain had to think of somthing....

Captain Rees: "QUICKLY, LAUNCH A FIGHTER DRONE, SET ALL TURRETS TO MISSLE DEFENCE"

The fighter drone was launched and quickly closed in on its target, but the shields on the Hornet were too powerful for the drones Alpha IRE's to penetrate it. As the Deadly Misslie closed in on the Fireblade, the ships guns opend fire, spraying munitions fire all over the place, but still the Hornet was well on course.

Tactical Oficer Melek: "Sir, our weapons are doing nothing, look at the shield output!"

The Captain yet again had a look at the sensor monitor and looked at the Shield strength..... 1000MW! how could this be, the largest shields generators were only 125MW, and were much larger than a hornet.

Weapons Officer Sparrow: "Sir, the Ion Distuptors"

Ensign Codey: "Sir 70 Sezuras till impact

As the Ion Distruptors kicked into life firing on the hornet, The captain had another look at the sensors...the Ion Distruptors were working!
The shields on the hornet were failing... 90%.... 78%.... 64%.... 52%...

Suddently a Beep came from the ships comms menu..

"Engineering to Bridge"

Captain Rees: "go ahead Sparky".

Engineer Sparky: "Sir, ive managed to patch up the shields, bad thing is though that only half of them work... It's all i could do"

Captain Rees: "Thats good enough egineering."

Tactical Officer Melek: "Sir, the hornet is too close, if we destroy it at this distance, we'll be sevearly damaged!"

Captain Rees: "Anyone got any bright idea's?"

Ensign Codey: "Sir, if we activate our jump-drive now, we might be able to avoid the Hornet alltogether."

Captain Rees: "Do it!"

A beep came from the comms board...

Engineer Sparky: "Captain, the Jump-drive idea is out of the question, we had to reroute power through the drive to get the shields working"

Captain Rees: "Is there anything else you had to take offline?"

Engineer Sparky: "no sir, thats all"

Tactical officer Melek: "Sir, the hornets shields are down, we can destroy it!"

Weapons Officer Sparrow: "Sir.... At this range, we would be crippled!"

Captain Rees: "we have no other choice, It's kill or be killed......FIRE"

As Weapons Officer Sparrow presses the fire switch, one lone missile homes in on the deadly hornet. But the hornet was still geting closer to the endangered ship.

Tactical officer Melek: "Sir, if that missile destroys that hornet, the explosion would cripple us, we should get away from here".

Captain Rees: "good idea, Ensign get us out of here".

Ensign Codey: "Aye Sir".

The Captain hits the comms button....

Captain Rees: "Engineering, can you divert the power from the shields back to the jump drive.... Were making a break for it".

Engineer Sparky: "Sir there's not enough time to do that... it would take a good 30sezuras to make it out of here"

Captain Rees: "I think given the circumstances, there's not much else we can do....NOW DO IT"

Engineer Sparky: "YES SIR"

[Mon Mothma]

The concept of the story is OK, but a couple of things.

First off, I doubt anyone knows the home sector for the xenon. If we did we'd send in a whole fleet to nuke it. Staging area 32767 would be good. (32767 is also the 8 bit limit. one digit higher, and you are in 16 bit territory. Including small points like this helps draw audience in that know the significance.)

Secondly there are a number of questions. . . What class ship are they using? Is it a stock version of the ship, or modified in some way? Why this particular crew? How did they obtain their information? Why is there a science officer on a warship, other than Star Trek reasons?

Further the story is written entirely of soundbites. It needs more exposition. Something like this:

Suddently, the ships computer voice springs to life, "WARNING, MISSLE INBOUND, ETI 100 SECONDS"

Science Officer Melek: "SIR, IT'S A MODDIFIED HORNET, IT HAS AN IMPROVED TRACKING SYSTEM AND, OH GOD..."

Captain Rees: "WHAT IS IT"

Science Officer Melek: "The payload had been increased 100 fold!"

becomes much more dramatic and involving when you do it like this:

"Captain, incoming missile, estimated time until impact, 100 seconds! Sir, it doesn't match any recognised configuration."

The captain quickly pulls the sensor repeater monitor into his lap, and calls up a detailed redout on the enigmatic projectile. The preliminary scan by the sensors noted several oddities. It was both larger and faster than any missile on record. . . and a density readout showed a massive payload. And it was shielded. The captain had little doubt that such a behemoth missile would gut the ship with all hands.

So instead of simply having someone SAY what is happening, you show and describe what is happening and let people's imagination fill in the gaps. Now you also need to explain some things, such as why they couldn't just shoot the missile down (Which is why I sheilded it) or how it got its performance (Thus the size.) Simply saying "Modified hornet" means very little. How is it modified?

One last thing that kinda bugs me. Military discipline. Everyone on a ship doesn't speak at once, and generally crew don't wisecrack to the captain in public. In private, between friends, its fine. In public all is stoic.

If you'd like a really good example of military sci-fi writing, read some David Weber (Honor Harrington series. Start with "On Basalisk Station" or "For the honor of the queen")