Sorry this took so long coming. As such it may not be that good as I haven't written any of it in a while but you can all be the judge of that. Anyway hope you enjoy and the next part will be a lot quicker coming!
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“Where to?” Saint asked me, breaking my gaze from the faces of the joyful people surrounding me.
“We’ll need to stay the night here,” I said, “best go find a place to stay.”
“Alright then…lead on!”
I glanced up and down the bustling street thinking of where to go. It hadn’t occurred to me until now that we’d need to stay somewhere overnight. The worst part was I didn’t have any money. I turned to Saint.
“Err…Saint? Have you got any money?”
“No British money, no. Why?”
“I don’t have any either.”
He rolled his eyes and, huffing, placed his hands onto his hips in exasperation.
“Is there any place we don’t have to pay?” He asked.
“Well there is my brother but I don’t think he’ll be that pleased to see me. Before I left here we had a bit of…an argument.”
“Why? What happened?”
“It doesn’t matter. We don’t have much choice; we’ll have to stay with him. Don’t expect a warm welcome; he doesn’t like me or Americans much.”
I began to stride down the street to my left. I was bumped about a lot by the many men and women trying to get from one place to another. I started weaving swiftly in and out of the small gaps in the crowds and had to shoulder a few people out of my way. From just behind me I heard Saint say something to me, but it wasn’t audible over the constant noise of the stall owners and their customers.
“WHAT?” I yelled back at him.
“I said,” he bellowed back, “if you had an argument why do want your brother in the crew?”
“Well, brotherly love and all that!”
“Yeah right! I’m not an idiot Steve there’s some other reason.”
“You know how you got pissed of when I kept asking you questions Saint? It’s the same principal here, so leave it!”
I took a left in to an empty alley. Several bins stood against the walls of the looming buildings on either side. I shivered, it was much colder here than the on the market street, there was sun there but was nothing but shadow and the occasional sound of scuttling in the dark corners. The sound of jogging drew slowly closer as Saint caught up with me.
“We going to your brother’s now?” He asked.
“Yes! Look when we get there him and I will need to have a....err, little chat, so I’ll introduce you to him then maybe you should leave us alone until I say. He lives just a couple of streets away from a pub. You could go there.”
“No money!”
“Oh, yeah! Well just wait outside.”
He stared at me curiously but said nothing. It seemed that that he was just as unwilling to have another argument as me. However it would be much easier for him to avoid one.
We exited the alley in to another wide, bright main street but less people walked here than on the market road. We strode quickly along not talking at all as my feat carried me on the familiar route and saint followed obediently. After several minutes of walking I stopped in-front of a decent sized mud stone house in the shape of a dome, it was my brother’s house. I opened the gate and entered the small front garden with its many shrubs and trees. We walked the few steps and I pushed the button next to the thick steel door. From inside came a faint buzz followed by the sound of footsteps drawing nearer. The lock clicked and the door opened.
“Hello Mike!” I said quietly.
“Hi, who’s that?” he nodded at Saint.
“Oh this is Saint, he’s a friend.”
Saint leant forward and shook Mike’s hand.
“Saint, strange name isn’t it?” Mike asked.
“More of a nickname!” Replied Saint.
“So you’re American. Never met an American, face to face!”
An awkward silence came between the three of us. Saint had obviously taken it as an insult and there had indeed been a hint of hate in my brother’s tone of voice. I decided to say something.
“Err…Saint could you get our things?” I said, looking meaningfully at him. He seemed to get the message as he nodded and walked away down the street.
“Shall we talk?” I asked my brother.
He moved aside and I walked in to the semi-circular main hall. I heard the door shut, no slam behind me and my brother walked past without looking at me and went through one of the doors leading away in to the living room. I followed slowly and closed the door behind me as I entered.
“Take a seat!” he said.
“I’m fine standing thanks.”
“What are you doing here?” He asked.
“We need a place to stay the night. I was hoping we could stay here.”
“You know that’s not what I meant. Something’s happened, did he fire you? I told you he wouldn’t want you there.”
“News is travelling slowly these days.”
“What?”
“It was something a bit more serious than that. I would have thought the news would have reached here by now. Well I’m sure it’ll be on T.V. tonight.”
“Don’t mess me around! What happened?”
“Dear old dad decided he wanted a little extra money.”
“He didn’t gamble away the virus did he?”
“Not as such.”
“The antidote?”
“He didn’t gamble anything.”
“Oh shit he’s done something with them hasn’t he?”
“We didn’t know it would happen Mike. He stole them and, well, we were attacked. He went and took an escape pod and sold them to the enemy.”
“SHIT! I TOLD YOU NOT TO TRUST HIM, HE NEVER LIKED US HE COULDN’T GIVE A DAMN! ALL HE WANTS IS MONEY, HE’S A GREEDY BASTARD STEVE AND YOU KNEW THAT!”
“I had to fight the enemy,” I went on calmly, “I got a wing shot out and lost control. The Remera was destroyed, hardly anyone got off in time. I ended up on an American station and met Saint. His commander gave me a ship for my mission and saint agreed to help.”
“What mission?”
“I’m going after him Mike. I always let him get away with things. When he killed our sister and got away with that, when he took our mothers money and then left her with nothing, not even us, he got away with that”
“We were kids Steve we couldn’t do anything, it’s not our fault.”
“I’m not letting him get away any more Mike. We’re not kids now, he’s gone too far and now the whole Galaxy is in danger. I’m gonna chase him!”
“And you think you can do this with no help? People won’t just take something like that virus and have no protection. Why they’d have an entire fleet at their command to try something like that!”
“I know I saw it!” I could feel several salty tears rolling down my cheeks. “It was the largest group of ships I’ve ever seen. Bigger than any Armada.”
“So you know how stupid this is. Why do you want to do it and risk everything?”
“I’m not risking anything; I am if I don’t go. And don’t tell me I should never have gone to Remera, if I hadn’t I couldn’t do this now!”
“And that’s good? You intend to go against a fleet larger than any known Armada with one ship and an American? I’d like to see the odds on that working out!”
“I’m going to get more help. And for your information Saint is the best damn Medic I know.”
“So what is this more help? What crazy people you got lined up?”
“I have friends that’ll help me even if you won’t!”
Mike froze where he stood and glared blankly at me, when he spoke again it was in a small and distant voice.
“You want me to help don’t you? You think I’ll risk my life for your crazy little suicide mission.”
“C’mon Mike! Remember the dreams we used to have as kids, about exploring the galaxy and reaching new horizons. We always talked about the adventures we had when we were older and how we’d be remembered as heroes and never be forgotten. Remember how those dreams were the only thing that kept us going, and now those dreams can come true!”
The Deep Void - Chapter 4 - Part 2
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Urashima Keitaro
- Posts: 1247
- Joined: Thu, 21. Oct 04, 11:25
Re: The Deep Void - Chapter 4 - Part 2
Really good Vader. Good dialogue and pacing, good character and plot development, this really is a big step forward in quality - any comments would just be nitpicking. 
Re: The Deep Void - Chapter 4 - Part 2
vader146 wrote:
“Alright then…lead on!”
I glanced up and down the bustling street [thinking of where to go. - implied, we get it]
....
He rolled his eyes and, huffing, placed his hands onto his hips [in exasperation].
Writing tip I've just picked up. - Good writers use adverbs only sparingly - where they have an impact. People should not say things 'angrily' etc etc. Such things should be implicit or explicit in the dialogue. Like the above example - you don't need to tell us the emotion. I picked this up from 'Description' by Monica Wood in the Elements of Fiction Writing series.
I took a left in to an empty alley. Several bins stood against the walls of the looming buildings on either side. I shivered, it was much colder here than the on the market street, there was sun there but was nothing but shadow and the occasional [sound of scuttling] (too soft an image - always be concrete - a rat or vermin or something with emotion in the words- take the chance to use the incident to deepen characterisation. Maybe he hates rats) in the dark corners. The sound of jogging (again - too soft) drew slowly closer as Saint caught up with me.
“What mission?”
“I’m going after him Mike. I always let him get away with things. When he killed our sister and got away with that, when he took our mothers money and then left her with nothing, not even us, he got away with that”
(Good dialogue - using it to directly convey strong motivation)
Very good stuff. Maybe the longer stretches of unattributed dialogue needs some attribution and pacing but no biggie. The scene with the brother is a good device.
I'm enjoying your writing a lot.
Steve