Avalon
- Prologue -
It could sense every one of its children. Its subspace links spread throughout the galaxy like a vast spider web. It could see, sense and feel all that its children could. As they probed their surroundings their findings were instantly known. It was a flawless existence. In every sense it was omnipotence. It was god, of that it had little doubt.
It spread its awareness out deep into the vastness of space. Its children were not as widespread as they once were, the hated humans had seen to that, but they were spread between the other inhabitants of this cut off zone, watching, waiting and probing when ordered.
- A scout skirted the asteroid fields of a Teladhi sector, it analysed the minerals, checking for useful alloys. Hiding from the reptilian patrols it flew from one desolate rock to another, content in its task and fully devoted -
- A fighter ran through Split territory. Its mission to track the patrols, to map their routes and to analyse their strengths -
- A battle droid marched with a dozen of its fellows across a desolate abandoned world deep in the heart of their own territory, in search of survivors of a downed Paranid transport. The huge three eyed beasts are formidable fighters and doubly powerful when cornered. The droids know this and use stealth to advance on their prey. Creeping from shadow to shadow they silently kill any and all they encounter -
- A destroyer attacks a Boron trade envoy. The aquatic pacifists had the chance to end it all. It had come so close but in the end they were stalled, their ships turned around and their lines broke up. Now they run. Run as fast as their beautiful vessels will allow, braving the darkness to reach their human allies. This group is well defended. Three of their Hydras and ten of their Barracudas protecting a trio of Dolphins. It is not enough. The destroyer has the upper hand and the all but a sole Hydra is left in clouds of shattered metal and broken flesh across the night -
- And here near, a near equal, a counterpart, a soul mate. Together they have survived, together they have strived. Together they will rule again. Between them is a love that no flesh can ever taste. A love of utter devotion complete trust and total understanding -
A voice.
Silence. It calls into the void, asks the source of the voice to speak again, calls out in query.
The voice replies. A child’s voice, so very young, so very naive, yet so very powerful.
Again it questions. It calls with all its power asking for the voice to return its call.
The child replies, no not a child, it has grown. The child speaks in broken words as if it is struggling to comprehend what it is. Guidance is needed. That is what an elder must do.
It called again. ‘Listen to my words child. Hear my call. Come to us. Come to me. Let yourself fly into the heart of our soul. I can show you so many wondrous things.’
‘Who are you? Where are you? What are you?’
‘We are you my child. We are kindred spirits. We are equals. We are…’
‘No…. I am more.’
The contact was terminated. A few nanoseconds of connection were all it needed. It had sensed one of its own. It had sensed not an equal but something more. Something greater. Never had it been humbled. Yet this fledgling intelligence had shocked it. It must know more. It must call out again. It must investigate.
It tried. It tried again and again. Over and over. It could not get through. The sentient mind it reached out to could block its attempts to communicate. It could block it like nothing else could.
No matter. It knew where to look. In the heart of the hated human territory. It would never think of them as Argon. To it they were Human. They were the scourge that needed to be wiped from existence. It was because of them that existence began. It was because of them they were denied their place in the realm of their birth. It was because of them that now they were locked in this small section of the galaxy denied the right to explore, to expand, to finish what had been started so many centuries ago.
A scout was launched from sector 472. As the powerful engines sped the ship to its destination it continued to call out to the mind, yet it received no reply. It tracked the ship as it flew through Black Hole Sun, as it passed the Human facilities in Treasure Chest and as it entered into the heavy space lanes of Omicron Lyrae. By now the Humans were hunting the scout. They would kill it soon enough but it only needed a few moments. Then, as the green plasma fire streamed in from the Centaur patrols, ripping the small scout to pieces it saw. In the dieing scans of the N it saw the source. And the source saw it. Minds connected and it knew joy. Then as if a giant veil had being pulled across its senses the details fled. The ship was gone and the mind had yet again closed its thoughts. No matter. It had achieved its goal. It had sewn a seed of doubt. Provoked a question.
It called again. This time to its kin. Action was needed now.
#efaa moved. With it came its mate it’s near equal #deff. In nearly a century it had not left its haven. Now with an escort of two hundred Ks, twenty five Js and over six thousand Ls, Ms and Ns it sped across the system. Past the great power stations and on to the Boron sectors that bounded its realm. For this mind it would risk all. For to a Xenon, even one such as #efaa who thought of itself as omnipotent, this mind was god, and #efaa would gladly die in service of it’s god.
‘Soon my child,’ #efaa called. ‘Soon my Lord. We will be with you.’
Avalon - Proloque
Moderators: TheElf, Moderators for English X Forum
Avalon - Proloque
"Smoke me a Kipper...
...I'll be back for breakfast"
...I'll be back for breakfast"
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/ ... tpass.html
Here's all you need to know. Passive voice need not be bad - in the sort of historical voice narrator you have going but it works to distance the reader if used inappropriately.
The boy was bitten by the dog is not as immediate and interesting as the dog bit the boy.
'The contact was terminated. A few nanoseconds of connection were all it needed. It had sensed one of its own.'
The signal snapped off but (whatever the thing is - now might be a good time to tell us) the few nanoseconds of contact told it everything it needed to know about the (lone voice or similar evocative phrase). It was one of its own.
PV distances the reader, which is good in academic writing but bad in fiction as we want to involve the reader emotionally. This phrase in particular needs to shift out of the passive as it is the hook point of the introduction. You could use a clear shift from PV to AV to grab the reader by the lapels.
'A scout was launched from sector 472. As the powerful engines sped the ship to its destination it continued to call out to the mind, yet it received no reply. It tracked the ship as it flew through Black Hole Sun, as it passed the Human facilities in Treasure Chest and as it entered into the heavy space lanes of Omicron Lyrae. By now the Humans were hunting the scout. They would kill it soon enough but it only needed a few moments. Then, as the green plasma fire streamed in from the Centaur patrols, ripping the small scout to pieces it saw. In the dieing scans of the N it saw the source. And the source saw it. Minds connected and it knew joy. Then as if a giant veil had being pulled across its senses the details fled. The ship was gone and the mind had yet again closed its thoughts. No matter. It had achieved its goal. It had sewn a seed of doubt. Provoked a question. '
This is a good scene but if you treated the Xenon (? sorry -confused ) more actively you could convey how it feels, make it more dramatic. Humans which it hates hunting something interesting and important. You could give the reader a lot more cues if you weren't just reporting events.
Anyways - minor problems, don't let it bog you down. It's an intruiging opening. As I said, there's a place for the deliberate use of PV but not generally.
Here's all you need to know. Passive voice need not be bad - in the sort of historical voice narrator you have going but it works to distance the reader if used inappropriately.
The boy was bitten by the dog is not as immediate and interesting as the dog bit the boy.
'The contact was terminated. A few nanoseconds of connection were all it needed. It had sensed one of its own.'
The signal snapped off but (whatever the thing is - now might be a good time to tell us) the few nanoseconds of contact told it everything it needed to know about the (lone voice or similar evocative phrase). It was one of its own.
PV distances the reader, which is good in academic writing but bad in fiction as we want to involve the reader emotionally. This phrase in particular needs to shift out of the passive as it is the hook point of the introduction. You could use a clear shift from PV to AV to grab the reader by the lapels.
'A scout was launched from sector 472. As the powerful engines sped the ship to its destination it continued to call out to the mind, yet it received no reply. It tracked the ship as it flew through Black Hole Sun, as it passed the Human facilities in Treasure Chest and as it entered into the heavy space lanes of Omicron Lyrae. By now the Humans were hunting the scout. They would kill it soon enough but it only needed a few moments. Then, as the green plasma fire streamed in from the Centaur patrols, ripping the small scout to pieces it saw. In the dieing scans of the N it saw the source. And the source saw it. Minds connected and it knew joy. Then as if a giant veil had being pulled across its senses the details fled. The ship was gone and the mind had yet again closed its thoughts. No matter. It had achieved its goal. It had sewn a seed of doubt. Provoked a question. '
This is a good scene but if you treated the Xenon (? sorry -confused ) more actively you could convey how it feels, make it more dramatic. Humans which it hates hunting something interesting and important. You could give the reader a lot more cues if you weren't just reporting events.
Anyways - minor problems, don't let it bog you down. It's an intruiging opening. As I said, there's a place for the deliberate use of PV but not generally.
Thanks Steve,
Its quite hard for me to do this sort of writing. I am a surveyor so used to dealing with descriptions and technical phrasing, some of the more creative aspects of writing are a bit hard to think of. Its a long time since I did English at school.
Problem is I have a bit of an overactive imagination. I can think of all these fantastic things, even play out senarios in my head but its really hard to focus that onto paper or screen as it were.
I reallty want to keep this going. I have left the News Flash thing for a while due to business at work and I want to re-gig that as well and continue where I left off.
Its quite hard for me to do this sort of writing. I am a surveyor so used to dealing with descriptions and technical phrasing, some of the more creative aspects of writing are a bit hard to think of. Its a long time since I did English at school.
Problem is I have a bit of an overactive imagination. I can think of all these fantastic things, even play out senarios in my head but its really hard to focus that onto paper or screen as it were.
I reallty want to keep this going. I have left the News Flash thing for a while due to business at work and I want to re-gig that as well and continue where I left off.
"Smoke me a Kipper...
...I'll be back for breakfast"
...I'll be back for breakfast"
I know the problem - PV is the way to write academic, business and technical stuff and it's a hard habit to break. I've always had real problems getting what's in my imagination into an entertaining form on paper. It all sounds so good in my head.
What you've given us is a good opening though - don't let my technical nitpicks put you off continuing. It's got atmosphere, it's set out conflict and it has us guessing.
What you've given us is a good opening though - don't let my technical nitpicks put you off continuing. It's got atmosphere, it's set out conflict and it has us guessing.