Later the three of us were sat round a small table eating. Crates served as chairs and the plates and glasses were chipped. There wasn’t much food and all there was to drink was water. There had always been two distinct classes on Solsar, the rich and the poor. Mike and I had always been the latter, that was one reason I had joined my father on the Remera, to get away. I knew on that ship I could avoid my father most of the time, but if I stayed here there was no escaping my life.
“So Saint,” Said Mike finishing his food, “you’re American huh?”
“Yeah, I worked on Houston.” Replied Saint.
“Can’t say I’ve heard of it, what’s it for?”
“Exploration, helping us expand our knowledge of the universe.”
“Our? That would be the Americans would it?”
“Err...so when’s the police inspection these days?” I interjected.
“Supposedly around noon, but you know police, they’re like trains.” Replied Mike. I laughed.
Saint glanced nervously around. “Police raids?”
“Yeah,” I answered, “the government, it’s a dictatorship. No immigrants, only people born here. Don’t worry though you’re OK for being here just a few days.”
“I didn’t know there were still planets like that.”
“Oh, it’s not so bad when you get used to it, but the daily police raids get annoying. Any immigrants sir? Any immigrants sir? Any immigrants sir? No, bloody leave me alone!”
Mike took the plates away into the small kitchen and scrapped leftovers into the bin.
“I’m taking the rubbish out!” he announced.
“I’ll help!” I said, hurrying to follow him out the back door.
I stepped into a small alleyway. It was extremely dark and cold, faint voices cold be heard and mice scurried away as walked past them. We stopped at the entrance to the road and dumped the bags.
“I wish you’d be a bit nicer to Saint, he’s a nice guy, I mean you can’t hate each one of them for their government’s mistakes. Hell, we’re just as much to blame as he is.” I snapped at Mike.
“Look, sorry. It’s just sort of instinctive, you know? I’ll try but I can’t make any promises, alright.”
“So anyway, have you thought about what I said? About going after him and getting him back for what he did…”
“You know what I think Steve. From what you say about the fleet that attacked you, we’d need a whole damn army. Besides it’s your own fault for working with him in the first pla…”
“DON’T BLAME ME FOR WHAT THAT ASSHOLE DID!!! YOU THINK I TOOK THE FORMULA? YOU THINK I WANTED THE MONEY? YOU THINK I WANTED ALL THOSE PEOPLE DEAD? NO!!! SO DON’T DARE SAY THAT WAS MY ****** FAULT!!!”
“Steve that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying it’s you’re fault he hurt you again and killed even more people you cared about; friends, colleagues, hell you might even have had a girl on there! But he couldn’t have hurt you if you never went there in the first place!”
“You want to know why I went Mike? I’ll tell you!” ‘COS OF THIS PLACE! I hate this planet, you know what I said to saint in there was I lie, you know as much as me how bad it really is. They’re only one step away from shooting anyone with less than a mansion. There are restrictions on the amount of children you can have. Food rations, beatings. I can go on much longer if you want!”
“BUT WHY FOLLOW HIM? THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER PLANETS AND STATONS TO GO TO, WHY THERE?”
“HOW MIKE? You forget, we’re poor and I was young. I couldn’t pay to go anywhere else, in-fact he’s the only reason I even got on the Remera. Look Mike I know you’re sick of this life, just like me. I have a ship, we could leave tomorrow to a new future and never look back. What do you think?”
“If that was all you wanted believe me I’d come Steve. But I can’t go on your revenge mission. He’ll hurt us again, you’ll loose friends, AGAIN.”
“I won’t let him do that to us again. I know you hate him too, WHY CAN’T YOU ACCEPT THAT? WHY WON’T YOU COME?”
“YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY? YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH?”
“YES, DAMMIT, AND NO LIES I CAN TELL!”
“FINE…I’M AFRAID I’LL LOOSE YOU!”
“What?”
“You heard. I’m afraid I’ll loose you. You’re the only family I’ve got left and I won’t let you throw your life away on some stupid ass revenge.”
“I’m going Mike, with or without. You know I’m to stubborn to stop, at least if you come with me and I do die, at least we’ll be together ‘till the end.”
Mike looked at me, as if searching for something, and he found it. A look of realization came across his face and his eyes narrowed.
“You’re serious aren’t you? You won’t give up for anything.”
“No I…”
We looked around and saw a police squad running at us. “You there, you are in violation of the 10pm curfew act!”
“OH SHIT!” Yelled me and Mike.
We began to sprint down the alley just as the back door opened and Saint came out. He looked curiously at us as we passed.
“RUN!!!” yelled Mike.
As the police skidded into the alley Saint leapt into action and ran, leaving the door open. We came out the other end and left dust behind as we continued down the main road. Mike threw a pile of boxes behind us to get us some time. We didn’t look back sprinted down several more alleys and roads before…
“STOP!” Yelled Saint. “They’ve gone.”
We came to halt and turned around. Sure enough the street behind was empty save for a cat Saint glared at us.
“What the hell was that?” He asked.
“We broke the curfew,” I replied, “everyone in by 10 or…well you saw.”
“But it was only five past ten.” Exclaimed Saint.
“They don’t care, any excuse to beat the crap out of someone and they’ll take it.”
“But you said it wasn’t too bad!”
“I didn’t want to worry you; I mean you…what’s wrong Mike?”
Mike was staring into the sky behind us. Saint and I turned to see ominous black smoke rising into the cold night sky. The crackling of a massive fire could be heard a few streets away.
“Oh no!” I gasped.
“What, what is it?” Asked Saint.
“Hopefully not what I think it is.” I replied.
We sprinted back the way we came and as we drew near to Mike’s house a vast amount of heat hit us and as we turned into the alleyway there it was. Were Mike’s house should have been, instead were vast flames, engulfing giant a pile of debris.
“Mike I’m sorry!” I said as I placed a hand on his shoulder.
He turned around, a look of transfixed horror on his face. He was stunned, but spoke; “There’s nothing left here, I’ll come!”
The deep Void; Chapter 4 - Part 3
Moderators: TheElf, Moderators for English X Forum
Re: The deep Void; Chapter 4 - Part 3
This is really good and shows you've thought about what you're trying to achieve. I've done some minor editing as examples of ways to improve it but it's still a very good scene. What I like about it is that you convey a lot of background information by 'showing' and not 'telling'. We see the oppression, we hear and see a couple of character motivations through dialogue and action. Don't mind waiting for the next part when you're producing scenes as good as these. 
Steve
Steve
vader146 wrote:Later the three of us [were] sat round a small table [on crates] eating (from) [. Crates served as chairs and the] (chipped) plates [and glasses were chipped]. (Not much) [There wasn’t much] food and [all there was to] (just water to) drink [was water]. [There had always been two distinct classes on] Solsar has two classes, [the] rich and [the] poor. (I won't do much more editing - that's just an example of how to look at a draft and eliminate the flab to make the story move faster - I've just been reading about that on the bus to work!)
Mike and I had always been the latter, that was one reason I had joined my father on the Remera, to get away. I knew on that ship I could avoid my father most of the time, but if I stayed here there was no escaping my life. (Good characterisation)
“Err...so when’s the police inspection these days?” I interjected.
(Good dialogue but never put errs and ums in. Dialogue is an artificial language that does not require verbal ticks - they destroy pace)
(The whole next bit is a good deliverence of information without it being a pace destroying info dump.)
“I wish you’d be a bit nicer to Saint, he’s a nice guy, I mean you can’t hate each one of them for their government’s mistakes. Hell, we’re just as much to blame as he is.” [I snapped at Mike. - not needed - we heard him!]
[Note: 'loose' and 'lose' are different words]
[“OH ****!” Yelled me and Mike.] - don't think that is needed., it breaks the pace
We [began to sprint] (sprinted) down the alley (just as Saint came out) the back door [opened and Saint came out]. [He looked curiously at us as we passed.] (This is a tense scene - keep the sentences lean and sharp).
“But you said it wasn’t too bad!”
“I didn’t want to worry you; I mean you…what’s wrong Mike?”
Mike was staring into the sky behind us. Saint and I turned to see [ominous - don't use words like this - you don't need to tell us it was ominous. Ominous to whom? Just let the mystery unfold without prefiguring] black smoke rising into the cold night sky. The [crackling - too soft for a massive fire] of a massive fire could be heard a few streets away.
We sprinted back the way we came and as we drew near to Mike’s house a vast [amount - soft, say something like the heat hit us like a fist] ”
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