Sorry for the delay, it may stay drawn out like this until summer because of exams but after that I'm going to write and post like crazy! I have a lot of catching up to do. Anyway ENJOY!!!
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I awoke next morning feeling very tired and not in the best of moods. The sun crept slowly over my curled up body warming me gradually from head to feet. After the incident the night before the three of us had found a hiding place down an alley behind two public bins.
What had woken me was the voice of an old woman as she threw her garbage away. I opened my eyes as she walked away mumbling to herself;
“They just get in everybody’s way, they can’t just go and get a job can they!? Lousy bums!”
I couldn’t help smiling to myself. You always have the image of the complaining old lady in your head but you never really expect to see it. Grumbling about the decay of society or youngsters these days or the typical paying for their groceries with short change whilst a large line of people wait behind them.
I stood up and stretched. In the distance faint whiffs of smoke could still be seen from the dying embers of the house I had been in just yesterday. I looked down at my brother and felt pity grow inside me. Yes we had our differences but then what siblings don’t? I also felt worried, I had always seen him as somebody to look up to as my older brother, and my father not the most admirable of men, but when I saw him last night I realised, this is my mission, I need to take control and look after MY crew…my friends and family.
Mike’s eyes blinked open and looked up at me, he smiled weakly and stood up.
“You stink!” He said
“Son do you!”
“I can’t believe it’s gone,” he began looking at the distant smoke, “my life on this planet, everything I worked for, just gone.”
A solitary tear crawled down his cheek, leaving a glistening trail behind it as it dropped onto the floor and broke into smaller fragments. And then it was gone, taken in by the earth. I suppose life is like that, one day your life slips away from you and everything falls apart, then you’re gone. All that’s left behind is people’s memories…the glistening trail. After this mission perhaps that’s all that’d be left of me.
I placed an arm around Mike’s shoulder;
“Don’t worry,” I said, “it’ll be OK!”
Mike looked at me for a moment considering these words, and then he nodded, but I could tell he wasn’t sure.
“Well,” said in an attempt to liven up the mood, “I still have a six man ship waiting but only three men to fly in it. I gotta get me a crew to get off this damn rock!”
“Who’ve you got in mind?” Mike asked.
“I can only of three people crazy enough to join. Besides they owe us after we bailed them out of jail that time!”
“The Salsan brothers?”
“You’ve got t in one. Amazing how them, and the word crazy go so well together isn’t it?”
Mike laughed causing Saint to suddenly jump awake and pull I blaster out of his belt.
“Who’s there? I’ll shoot!” He rambled.
“Easy Saint,” I said, “we’ve been sleeping on the street remember?”
“Oh yeah, sorry about that Steve.” He quickly holstered his gun.
“We’re going to a bar!” I declared.
“Isn’t it a bit early?” Asked Saint.
“No, not for a drink, I need to ask a favour from a few friends. With any luck we’ll be off this planet by tonight and having a nice meal and a shower on some space station.”
I walked out into the busy main street and the others obediently followed. As we squeezed in and out between the bustling crowds Saint caught up with me to ask some questions.
“But this is a dictatorial planet, surely they won’t just let us leave?”
“They will. Hardly anybody on this planet owns a ship and it costs a hell of a lot to hitch a ride off anybody. They reckon anybody who has the equipment or funds leave must be pretty important.”
“That sounds like a pretty crap system to me!”
“It is! But unless you like having a truncheon round the head it’s best ht you stick to it. The last person who made a stand went fishing one morning and never came back. His body was found in the lake and was classified as ‘accidental death’ he fell in the river and couldn’t swim…apparently.”
Saint fell back and didn’t speak again, but he did seem a bit uneasy. He looked all around him, even up, with very nervous glances. He jumped and the slightest thing that sounded like a ‘pop’ or a ‘bang’. Eventually we reached the bar I needed, ‘The Galactic Traveller.’ Saint seemed very pleased to get inside out of the big crowds.
“Nobody’s going to shoot you Saint.” I said. “In fact being nervous will just draw more attention to you so just came down please!”
I looked around the dark room. The smell of smoke and beer lingered in the air and clung to the walls. The floor was sticky and surely not meant to be the colour that it was. On the opposite side were two doors leading to separate toilets and in the far right corner was a small counter with several bottles and an alien behind it.
The alien was a light grey colour and looked almost human, except for the webbed hands and long mane down his back. He wore no clothes on the upper body; the lower half was hidden behind the counter.
In the opposite corner were the only three customers sitting at a large round table with large glasses of some orange liquid and smoking god only knows what. These were the men I was looking for, the Salsan brothers; John, Enda and Blanther. There were the best scavengers in this part of the galaxy. Well, scavengers was what their legal occupation was, the less legal side had something to do with blowing up and hijacking ships. As we walked over to them they looked up and stopped talking.
“What do you…wait, Steve?” Said Blanther.
He stood up and I suddenly felt very small. He was around seven foot tall and quite round but not an inch of fat on him. If you’d punched him in the stomach it would have been rock hard. He also had a nice round, bald, shiny head and a very gruff voice from all his smoking. He smoked at least three times what his brothers did.
That wasn’t all that made him different from the other two though who were twins. John and Enda were both around six foot and were quite slim and extremely fit. They’d done a lot of running from cops whilst Banther ‘held them off.’ This usually involved a large pile of unconscious or dead men at the end.
As two arms like tree trunks swung around me I felt like my back was going to break. Once he let go the other two stood up and shook hands with me.
“Good to see you Steve.” Said Enda. “Thought you’d be dead.”
“Why?” I asked.
“It’s been on the news this morning,” John took over, “about the Remera being attacked. What happened?”
“Funny you should ask. That’s what I came to talk to you about.”
I sat down and once again went through the entire story. Again the memories flickered through my mind and I found myself stopping in several places without meaning to. I was having enough of telling my story and hopped I wouldn’t have to tell it again. All I wanted to do was complete my mission and then forget.
“So what about?” I asked afterwards. “Will you guys join me?”
“It sounds dangerous going against a fleet like that.” Mumered Blanther.
“But they don’t have to see us. The ship I have is silent as a ghost and with you helping me in battle we’ll have the best damn crew in the galaxy!”
“Well we could get a lot out of it…” Said Enda.
“And our ship is kind of busted…” Continued John.
“And we sure don’t want to stay on this planet. The cops are getting to close for comfort and we can’t leave until it’s fixed.” Finished Blanther.
The three of them huddled up and talked among themselves, I only caught the odd word like ‘dangerous’ and ‘money.’ Eventually they broke apart and leant over towards me.
“Can you pay us?” Asked John.
“Well how much do you want?” Asked Mike.
“Not much, as you’re friends just around 2000!” Said Enda.
“Well me and Mike have financial problems right now…” I began.
“I can pay that!” Butted in Saint
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Yeah, you get quite a bit of money working as a medic on a research station. Lots of work hazards you see.”
“OK then,” said Blanther, “we’re in and ready to leave when you are.”
“Good meet us outside of here at eight this evening. Pack as little as possible but bring plenty of food and water. I have the feeling this could be a pretty long trip.” I declared.
The Deep Void - Chapter 4 - Part 4
Moderators: TheElf, Moderators for English X Forum
Looks like the crew is complete. all they need now is get off the planet. Sounds easy like Steve put it but I can't see it become a walk in a park.
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Urashima Keitaro
- Posts: 1247
- Joined: Thu, 21. Oct 04, 11:25
After the point Mike says 'You stink', shouldn't that be 'so do you'?
“You’ve got t in one. Amazing how them, and the word crazy go so well together isn’t it?”
Shoudn't that be "Got it in one"?
'Mike laughed causing Saint to suddenly jump awake and pull I blaster out of his belt.' Should be a'a instead of I.
It is! But unless you like having a truncheon round the head it’s best ht you stick to it <--That instead of 'ht'.
“Nobody’s going to shoot you Saint.” I said. “In fact being nervous will just draw more attention to you so just came down please!” --> Calm instead of 'came.'
I was having enough of telling my story and hopped I wouldn’t have to tell it again. All I wanted to do was complete my mission and then forget. 'Hoped' instead of hopped?
“So what about?” 'it?' at the end of that.
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End of critique there however. Good read.
“You’ve got t in one. Amazing how them, and the word crazy go so well together isn’t it?”
Shoudn't that be "Got it in one"?
'Mike laughed causing Saint to suddenly jump awake and pull I blaster out of his belt.' Should be a'a instead of I.
It is! But unless you like having a truncheon round the head it’s best ht you stick to it <--That instead of 'ht'.
“Nobody’s going to shoot you Saint.” I said. “In fact being nervous will just draw more attention to you so just came down please!” --> Calm instead of 'came.'
I was having enough of telling my story and hopped I wouldn’t have to tell it again. All I wanted to do was complete my mission and then forget. 'Hoped' instead of hopped?
“So what about?” 'it?' at the end of that.
_____________________________________________________________
End of critique there however. Good read.
Very good stuff Vader. I particularly like the dialogue and interaction between him and Saint. 
I like it a lot but for what it’s worth these are things you might want to look at.
‘Crept slowly’ – redundancy, crept is by definition slow. This is one of the common and easily made mistakes us amateurs have to look out for. We all do it but it’s one of the things editors skimming their giant submissions pile look out for I’m told.
‘I couldn’t help smiling to myself’ to myself is also probably redundant.
faint whiffs of smoke – whiff is a smell sense so you can’t see a whiff. Whisp?
I also felt worried, I had always seen him as somebody to look up to as my older brother, and my father not the most admirable of men, but when I saw him last night I realised, this is my mission, I need to take control and look after MY crew…my friends and family. – Way too long a sentence!
A solitary tear crawled down his cheek, leaving a glistening trail behind it as it dropped onto the floor and broke into smaller fragments. – Maybe a bit clichéd. Try and use a fresh image to convey the same thing. The second part of the image, where you draw the lesson is good – you just need to freshen the lead image. And liquids don’t fragment.
In the opposite corner were the only three customers sitting at a large round table with large glasses of some orange liquid and smoking god only knows what. These were the men I was looking for, the Salsan brothers; John, Enda and Blanther. There were the best scavengers in this part of the galaxy. Well, scavengers was what their legal occupation was, the less legal side had something to do with blowing up and hijacking ships. As we walked over to them they looked up and stopped talking.
I sat down and once again went through the entire story. Again the memories flickered through my mind and I found myself stopping in several places without meaning to. I was having enough of telling my story and hopped I wouldn’t have to tell it again. All I wanted to do was complete my mission and then forget.
This is too much ‘telling’. You miss the chance of revealing character and relationships through dialogue and action. Don’t tell us that the brothers are the best etc etc. Have the hero tell them as he tries to persuade them to come on board. Then you can bring in back story. ‘You owe me for that time when’ etc etc. You also miss the chance to refresh the reader’s memory of the story so far, which can be important in an episodic piece like this.
I like it a lot but for what it’s worth these are things you might want to look at.
‘Crept slowly’ – redundancy, crept is by definition slow. This is one of the common and easily made mistakes us amateurs have to look out for. We all do it but it’s one of the things editors skimming their giant submissions pile look out for I’m told.
‘I couldn’t help smiling to myself’ to myself is also probably redundant.
faint whiffs of smoke – whiff is a smell sense so you can’t see a whiff. Whisp?
I also felt worried, I had always seen him as somebody to look up to as my older brother, and my father not the most admirable of men, but when I saw him last night I realised, this is my mission, I need to take control and look after MY crew…my friends and family. – Way too long a sentence!
A solitary tear crawled down his cheek, leaving a glistening trail behind it as it dropped onto the floor and broke into smaller fragments. – Maybe a bit clichéd. Try and use a fresh image to convey the same thing. The second part of the image, where you draw the lesson is good – you just need to freshen the lead image. And liquids don’t fragment.
In the opposite corner were the only three customers sitting at a large round table with large glasses of some orange liquid and smoking god only knows what. These were the men I was looking for, the Salsan brothers; John, Enda and Blanther. There were the best scavengers in this part of the galaxy. Well, scavengers was what their legal occupation was, the less legal side had something to do with blowing up and hijacking ships. As we walked over to them they looked up and stopped talking.
I sat down and once again went through the entire story. Again the memories flickered through my mind and I found myself stopping in several places without meaning to. I was having enough of telling my story and hopped I wouldn’t have to tell it again. All I wanted to do was complete my mission and then forget.
This is too much ‘telling’. You miss the chance of revealing character and relationships through dialogue and action. Don’t tell us that the brothers are the best etc etc. Have the hero tell them as he tries to persuade them to come on board. Then you can bring in back story. ‘You owe me for that time when’ etc etc. You also miss the chance to refresh the reader’s memory of the story so far, which can be important in an episodic piece like this.
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Urashima Keitaro
- Posts: 1247
- Joined: Thu, 21. Oct 04, 11:25
Thanks for the feedback Steve. I do need to work on what I'm doing as I've been pre-occupied with other things recently. I think I especially need to look out for redundancy and 'telling' too much.
Oh and I will probably post more frequently than said above as my laptop is now internet enabled so I can send the story to myself and work on it up in my room.
Oh and I will probably post more frequently than said above as my laptop is now internet enabled so I can send the story to myself and work on it up in my room.
No problem V. These are the sort of things you pick up in the rewrite. Show Don't Tell is a tricky rule. Sometimes you need to 'Tell', particularly as a narrative link between scenes such as disposing of a journey. But if it's important to the story, which it looks like these characters are, you don't want to miss the opportunity to have a scene that fills the reader in on character, inter-relationships, motivation etc.
For this particular scene you might want to show the borthers in some sort of action that reveal this stuff. An argument, a fight over something.
Forgive this turning into another lecture, just passing on what I've learned even if I forget to practice it myself.
A scene should always have a goal for the viewpoint character. There must be conflict (broadly defined) preventing him from reaching this goal and the viewpoint character is generally thwarted in the sense he doesn't achieve the goal. At least not in the way planned.
As I can't think of any proper examples we might both have read - take the last chapter of Return.
Jack's goal was to quietly get information from Sinas on his new identity and face. I couldn't be having that! first he faced the obstacle of Rarr's dress-code, then he got battered with bad news about his friends, finally someone tried to kill him in a fashion that raises a host of questions. He got what he wanted but at great cost.
In your scene the goal is to quietly recruit crew and get off the planet without getting caught. What can't happen is that they walk into the bar, click their fingers and people fall in line. There's little drama or conflict in that.
What you need is an obstacle - this could be the refusal of the brothers to sign up or respond to logic. Then the question is how does the hero respond, what does he do to overcome this obstacle? It might be that he provokes an incident or an incident happens which changes the situation.
A dispute of sorts that leads to a crime the brothers have to run from? Probably it should at this stage be a run in of sorts with minions of the Enemy (taking the Hero's Quest structure).
Remember The Magnificent Seven and how each of the seven was recruited in the context of a character-revealing incident.
Pontification mode off.
I hope your laptop makes you more prolific.
For this particular scene you might want to show the borthers in some sort of action that reveal this stuff. An argument, a fight over something.
Forgive this turning into another lecture, just passing on what I've learned even if I forget to practice it myself.
A scene should always have a goal for the viewpoint character. There must be conflict (broadly defined) preventing him from reaching this goal and the viewpoint character is generally thwarted in the sense he doesn't achieve the goal. At least not in the way planned.
As I can't think of any proper examples we might both have read - take the last chapter of Return.
Jack's goal was to quietly get information from Sinas on his new identity and face. I couldn't be having that! first he faced the obstacle of Rarr's dress-code, then he got battered with bad news about his friends, finally someone tried to kill him in a fashion that raises a host of questions. He got what he wanted but at great cost.
In your scene the goal is to quietly recruit crew and get off the planet without getting caught. What can't happen is that they walk into the bar, click their fingers and people fall in line. There's little drama or conflict in that.
What you need is an obstacle - this could be the refusal of the brothers to sign up or respond to logic. Then the question is how does the hero respond, what does he do to overcome this obstacle? It might be that he provokes an incident or an incident happens which changes the situation.
A dispute of sorts that leads to a crime the brothers have to run from? Probably it should at this stage be a run in of sorts with minions of the Enemy (taking the Hero's Quest structure).
Remember The Magnificent Seven and how each of the seven was recruited in the context of a character-revealing incident.
Pontification mode off.
I hope your laptop makes you more prolific.