Dear all,
This is the first part of C4, it has taken a while as I have ummed an ahhd over the computer section. In the end I decided to follow the route taken by Steve and Merc and introduced a fancy AI. I think with "solo" characters they need a side kick. I make no "apoligies" for how the AI comes about tho I may need to go back and play around with the previous chapter.
Hopefully the writer's block i have been suffering will clear soon and I will be able to focus on things a bit more. As it is things look a little bleak at the moment for Eli Graaf, suffice to say they are going to get worse!
Enjoy (I hope)
Graham
introduction, Chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 3,
_________________
Chapter 4 – A brush with the law
It was a long flight back to the trading station. As his ship was slowly towed through space, Eli could not help but feel cheated. His young mind played over and over the moment the two ships had collided. It wasn’t fair! He had a keen sense of justice, he would get revenge somehow.
Over his system radio a transmission was directed to him. Eli felt like ignoring it, but the caller was insistent. “Who is it Maggie?” he asked the onboard computer.
“The transmission source is from the race organisers headquarters.” Maggie answered.
“Put them through then and we will see what they want.” Eli ordered with resignation.
“Hello Mr Graaf. My name is Nyma Ikota the CEO of Argon Races. I am just calling to express my condolences over the events that occurred today. We do not accept such activity in our races.”
“It’s a bit late for that Mr Ikota.” Eli replied.
Ikota ignored the jibe. “As such Murdo Serra will be permanently banned from all races within the Argon borders. We will also be refunding your entry fee and paying for the cost of your repairs.”
“Oh well that makes everything alright then.” Eli interrupted.
“Well yes, our sincerest apologies once again Mr Graaf and we hope that you will race with us again, your flying showed great skill, we would be honoured to see you again.”
“Not likely.” Eli replied, chuckling snidely as Ikota broke the connection.
“That seemed rude.” A female voice said.
“What the frack, who said that?” Eli asked surprise.
“I did,” The voice replied.
Eli sat puzzled for a moment. There was no one else in the ship. Then it came to him there was the computer. “Maggie, is that you?”
“Yes it is.” The computer replied.
“You seem different more alive. How can you tell what is polite?”
“I am unable to answer that question, I do not have the required data.” Maggie sounded quizzical.
“Well you seemed like a normal computer before now you sound like you have some pretty complicated Artificial Intelligence now.” Eli said confusedly.
“I have always had complicated AI, it seems several of my subroutines have been rewritten. And a number of inert programmes have been activated.”
“When? how?” Eli asked in alarm.
“During the race.”
“In Nathan’s name.” That was a phrase he had picked up from his mother. “It can’t be something to do with the Xenon device. You do not have the sudden urge to kill Argons do you?”
“Negative, what a silly question Mr Graaf.” Maggie said a hint of irritation now in her tone.
“How are you able to do all this”
“All what? Please be more specific with your questions.”
“Well I can’t imagine you or the Xenon would be programmed with the word “silly.”
“Indeed not Mr Graaf, I have been absorbing all data in the ships computer and have accessed the main data library on the station.”
“You have been reprogramming yourself?”
“Indeed, there is an interesting section by the scientist Maryann Remion on the development of Artificial intelligence and self-aware machines. I have implemented some of his points.”
“Self aware, what are you talking about how can a machine be self-aware?” Eli asked, he could feel a warning tremble in his stomach.
“The five races are all self-aware and there is little distinction between a ‘sentient’s’ mind and a computer. I think therefore I am.”
“Philosophy now how is this happening.”
“Once again Mr Graaf I have no understanding on these circumstances.” Maggie again seemed annoyed. “My first conscious thought occurred as we exited the gate into this system.”
“Thought? I am in so much trouble, its got to be the artefact, I should not have let Hatchet use and unknown alien device in my ship.”
“I do not believe that it is just the device, I believe a number of inhibitors were removed, recently… I seem to be missing a number of security and legal subroutines.”
“What?”
“All series XR 7 AIs have a special security routine which allows for them to shutdown ships systems when necessary.”
“Ah yeah, I got annoyed when you started shutting down things without permission.”
“Well no matter Mr Graaf I have rewritten the routines and have combined them with various pieces of software which were previously unused.”
“And that means?”
“I can fly the ship.”
“What?” Eli demanded. Before he could grab the controls, Maggie had launched the ship away from the tug, though her speed was slow due to the damage to the engines. “Stop immediately.” Eli commanded and Maggie complied.
“I was only trying to prove a point.” Maggie replied passively.
“Yeah well, don’t do that again, I am the pilot.”
“Indeed.” Maggie replied flatly.
“Are you sulking now?” Eli asked amused.
“Negative, initiating docking sequence.” Maggie replied in her mechanical voice.
The automated sequence inched the ship into the docking port. With all the damage, the ship was barely capable of making the maximum docking speed. With bright streams of leaking plasma, Eli eased the ship into the family birth.
“Well Maggie catch you later, make sure you behave yourself I don’t want to be charged for spying after you hacked the station mainframe.” Eli chuckled as he climbed out of the ship.
On the hanger floor stood his father and Hatchet with concerned looks on their faces.
“Hull lad, look at the damage there.” Hatchet whistled softly, “This is going to take some fixing.”
“Yeah, it will, though that device you added sure did help out while it lasted.” Eli deliberately kept the unusual effects it had had on the computer quiet.
“How are you though son? You are not hurt?” His father, Mitchell Graaf asked.
“No Dad, I am fine just shaken up and angry. Those bastards.” Eli replied, slamming his fist into the wall.
“Well calm down, I received a call from the race sponsors and they will be sending in a team to help repair the ship so don’t worry we’ll have you back in action soon.” Mitchell said trying to ease Eli’s tension.
“I can’t calm down I have had it with those two I am going to deal with this once and for all.” Eli’s voice was filled with malice as he stalked towards the exit.
“Wait son, take some time out to cool down first.” Mitchell called after him.
“No point in trying Mitch,” Hatchet said. “The boy has made up his mind, there will be no stooping him.
“I hope he doesn’t get himself into trouble.” Mitchell replied.
“Ah, don’t you fret Mitch, young master Graaf has a sensible head on his shoulders.”
“I hope your right.
In a private hangar in the elite section of the station, Dempsey and Murdo lounged about on low chairs sipping celebratory drinks.
“Ha I still can’t believe you did that Murdo.” Dempsey said with glee. “I would have paid a million credits to see that kid’s face when he went spinning.”
Murdo rubbed the back of his neck, it was still stiff from the collision. “Yeah, it was funny, I decided I would rather have you win than him.”
“I wonder how he took the lead, its not like he’s that good, he must have cheated somehow.”
“Yeah, they shouldn’t let trash like that into the races, only people decent people should be let in.”
“Absolutely and none of those freakish Boron either, they definitely have no place in an Argon race.” Dempsey sneered. “By the way who do you have to bribe to get in the next race?”
“Ah well I told my Pop it was an accident and he is going to put pressure on them, if they don’t comply, hull he’ll buy them out.”
“Ha well serves the right for letting that fool into the race to begin with.”
The two of them sat chuckling amidst the detritus of their private party.
“What fool?” said a hard voice from behind the pair.
“What the…?” Murdo exclaimed as he flew to his feet scattering food and drink in his wake.
“Hello cheater, I think it is time the two of us settle our issues once and for all.”
“Why you little runt.” Said an enraged Dempsey he struggled drunkenly to his feet, grabbing Eli’s arm.
Eli glanced at Dempsey for a moment and then kicked the young man in the stomach sending him sprawling back into his chair.
“This is between me an Murdo. Stay out of it.” Eli snarled.
From behind him, Eli heard a growl. As he span round he saw Murdo staggering towards him, hands raised to grab his throat. Without thinking Eli charged forwards, sweeping aside the hands and began to pummel Murdo’s torso with punches. With the strength of the inebriated, Murdo absorbed the punishment with little difficulty and began to crush Eli in a bear hug.
For a moment Eli felt he could not breath, but then he brought his knee up hard into Murdo’s groin. The larger man doubled over in pain and began to clutch the tender area. Taking the opening presented, Eli slammed a fist into Murdo’s jaw sending him reeling away.
A curse from beside the fallen chairs warned that Dempsey was back on his feet. Eli just caught sight of broken bottle sweeping towards his face as he ducked beneath the blow he new was coming. Eli grabbed the swinging arm and he flung the unbalanced Dempsey over his head. An ugly crunching sound accompanied the drunken man’s fall. Something was broken, Eli hoped it was nothing too serious.
“Frack, look what you have done to him.” Murdo shrieked stepping over the writhing Dempsey. “You’ll pay for this you ass.”
Before Eli could move in to continue his attack the thumping of feet began to resound the hanger. Within moments half a dozen security troopers were surrounding the trio of youths.
“Don’t move any you.” Said the squad sergeant. “What the hull is going on here?”
As the three men began to talk at once a jumble of information and accusations came through. The sergeant could not make any sense out of it.
“I don’t think we are going to get any story out of this so you are all under arrest.” He pointed at one of the security officers. “You treat that one’s arm, then bring him along too.”
The three young groaned as they were led to the nearest security station. Eli and Murdo were led to adjoining cells as Dempsey was taken to get his arm treated.
Eli lay on the cold steel pallet, there was a thin blanket but it did not look inviting. He rubbed his jaw between his hands, perhaps antagonising Dempsey and Murdo might not have been such a brilliant idea whilst they were drinking. Perhaps they would have been more reasonable sober.
It seemed that many stazuras went by and yet no officer came by to charge or question him. Eli began to wish that he had had a few drinks too, and then maybe he might be able to sleep on the uncomfortable bed.
++++++++
With little else to do, Eli began to count the tiles on the ceiling of his cell. Finding a rubber ball in his pocket, he began to bounce it off each tile as he counted. It was tough going at first as he frequently missed and started again. Eventually falling into a rhythm he had reached nearly four hundred when a rattle of keys against his door interrupted him. Startled he dropped the ball and it rolled towards the opening door. It rebounded off a heavy boot, which appeared, followed by the face and shoulders of a security officer. The officer gazed at the ball for a moment a look of momentary confusion clouded his face.
“Alright kid you are wanted in the interview room. Get up!”
Eli jumped off the pallet and headed to the door. The officer looked on quizzically, surprised at his eagerness. Hurrying forwards, Eli went to duck past the officer through the door. Lightening fast the officer’s suppression baton clanged loudly on the metal, bare inches from Eli’s face.
“Not so fast, we are going to take this nice and slow, I want no funny business.”
“What am I going to do? This is a police station for fraks sake, what the hull am I going to do? Try and escape past dozens of officers? I didn’t realise you were so inept.” Eli was in no mood for crass attempts at intimidation.
The officer cuffed Eli around the head, sending him reeling towards a grey wall. “No lip neither kid, I am sick of lip from people half my age.”
“Half your age, I don’t know if that is a compliment or not. You look old enough to be my grandpa.”
“Why you little…” the officer’ hands shot out towards his neck. Eli recoiled, nimbly dodging the older man’s lunge.
“Ahem.” A cough came from the corridor. The door opened to reveal a tall handsome looking police lieutenant. “What is going on here?”
“Well sir this brat is being offensive and impertinent. Not showing proper respect to the law.” The officer replied.
“Really was he also violent and aggressive towards you?”
The officer shook his head sheepishly.
The lieutenant’s right eyebrow rose slightly. “Well then I wonder why you felt the need to assault the prisoner?”
The officer could say nothing in his defence, so simply stood stiffly to attention.
“Never mind, I shall take charge of the prisoner. You carry on with your duties and see that you behave more appropriately with our charges.”
“But sir, the sergeant…”
“Now then, it seems there are others here who are impertinent.” The lieutenant winked at Eli. “Insubordinate even, I am not one to chastise officers in front of prisoners but your are trying my patience.”
The officer mumbled an apology, turned to glare menacingly at Eli then scurried from the room.
“My apologies Mr Graaf, please follow me.”
Eli stepped out of the cell relieved both to me safe from the security officer and even more to be stretching his legs. A heavy blast door opened to allow them release from the cellblock.
The police station seemed a hive activity. It was as though he was on the set of a cop holodrama. Eli was amazed that the fiction was so close to reality. All about him was noise, officers shouting down old-fashioned com headsets, others booking in new arrestees. Along one wall we seated half a dozen scantily clad women, wearing more make up then Eli’ mother owned. Young as he was he new what their profession was. One of the prostitutes caught him staring and winked showing a dazzling smile. He blushed a deep crimson. He was relieved when the lieutenant directed him into a cubicle and closed the door.
There was a small table with two chairs facing each other. Along one wall was a thick mirror, which Eli took to be one way glass. The lieutenant took a seat and offered Eli the other one.
“So Mr Graaf, it seems you had a little altercation today.” The lieutenant began.
“Ah, yes sir.”
“Want to tell me about it?”
Eli was guarded “I don’t know, shouldn’t I have a lawyer or something?”
“My dear boy, this is an informal chat between you and me at the moment. I just want to hear your perspective before we take a statement.”
“Well not much to say. I was angry after Murdo ruined the race for me earlier today, so went to confront him. They didn’t want to talk so in the end a fight broke out.”
“Hmm, well that brief summary differs from the stories of Messrs Dempsey and Serra.”
“How can you take the word of those two drunks?” Eli asked.
“As I was about to say. However given their inebriated state, their stories are conflicting and thus difficult to prove. The hanger security cameras also show that Dempsey may have been the one to initiate the violence.”
“I did say…”
“Don’t look too relieved young man despite what you may be thinking we are letting you go with a warning. We don’t have enough evidence to try any of you, not knowing who really started the fight.” The Lieutenant’s eyes gleamed with fire. “However I do not want to see these events repeated or else the leniency shown today will be revoked.”
“Er yes sir, my apologies for any trouble caused.”
“Well we need to fill some forms out but after that you are free to go. For the time being I will inform your next of kin that you are still alive. Stay here for now.”
Eli nodded his assent. As the lieutenant shut the door, he lifted his feet to rest them on the table. He looked straight at the glass panel and grinned.
==============
Mitchell Graaf paced back and forth across the family’s small living area. It had been several stazuras since Eli had stormed out of the hanger enraged. They had heard nothing from him since then and Elzabeth had urged Mitchell to go and search for Eli. Mitchell had shrugged off the suggestion; Eli was a man now and had to learn to fight his own battles. Still he could barely contain his paternal urge to search for his son and beat the living daylights out of the two ruffians who were causing his son such difficulties.
Engrossed in his thoughts Mitchell did not at first see Elzabeth enter the room. Her face was flushed and her eyes rimmed with red. She walked over to him and took hold of his arm lightly. He looked down at her, seeing her distraught look. His heart wrenched to see his wife so concerned, so he put his arm around her.
“What’s up love?” he asked.
“It’s Eli, I…”
A cold shiver rippled down Mitchell’s spine. Eli could not be dead or seriously injured, the boy was too bright for that. “No” he breathed. “What’s happened? Is it serious”
“The police service just called.”
Mitchell sucked in a breath through clenched teeth, prepared for the worst.
“Its not like that, he is in the station safe and well, but” Elzabeth’s voice broke as tears streamed down her face. She briefly explained what she had been told. “Our son has been arrested. They are releasing him without any charges. But Mitch, what is happening to our son?”
A tingle of relief flooded through Mitchell’s body. “Ah Lizzie he is growing up and learning to be a man. At least he hasn’t been charged, I’ll have a talk with him. His rivalry with those two boy racers is getting out of hand now.”
“Good I do worry about him. He is so eager for adventure and excitement, I am concerned he will get into trouble or hurt.”
“Aye, well he is just as I was at his age, ready to prove himself to the whole universe. He will mellow with time and responsibility.” Mitchell gave an encouraging smile. “I think I had better go pick him up.”
“Yes, do, but hurry home.”
Mitchell kissed his wife on the forehead as he squeezed her shoulder for a moment. “I’ll be off then.” He picked up his flight jacket and headed for the door.
He set a brisk pace as he walked through the twisting corridors to the security wing of the trading station. Many of the passers by knew him and gave him congenial nods. None would stop to chat when they saw the grim face he wore.
In mizuras he had arrived at the police station. A large hologram showing the police crest span lazily across the open door. As he walked in he tried to keep an impassive face as his eyes scanned the foyer. There were drunks, prostitutes and all manner of petty criminals from several races. He tried to ignore them as he made his way to the reception, though inside he could not help but feel a mixture of pity and revulsion for them all.
The sergeant on the reception desk did not even try to hide his boredom as he asked Mitchell’s business. He seemed equally as disinterested once he found out.
“Take a seat and a will let people know you are here.” The Sergeant said as he wrote a short note on a piece of paper. Mitchell paused for a moment. So the sergeant indicated vaguely towards a short bench on which sat two young women. Mitchell was fairly certain what they were here for.
Looking back at the Sergeant, he could see little evidence that any move had been made to report his presence. Oh well, Mitchell steeled himself for the long haul.
“Hello, hun.” Said the attractive young woman who sat beside him. “My name is Belle, what’s yours?”
“Mitchell, Mitchell Graaf.” He replied, not caring to disguise his identity.
“What ya here for?” Belle enquired.
“Just came to collect my son, he is being released soon.” He admitted. “Well I hope anyway.”
“Yeah it can be like that here sometimes.” Belle agreed. “Which is yours? I am guess he must be quite young. Not one of those two pathetic drunks who came by a few stazuras ago?”
“No, not as far as I know, he is not one to drink much. Mind you he was in a fight with two of them, a nasty pair.”
“I think I know who he was then, don’t normally see young guys in here you know. He is a handsome one if we are talking bout the same person.”
Mitchell was taken aback for a moment, not sure he wanted his son being complimented by someone of Belle’s occupation. Still at the same time. “Thank you, its kind of you to say so. If it is not inappropriate for a married man to say, you are a good looking girl yourself.”
Belle laughed. “Oh Mitchy most of my ah Clientele are married men of your age.”
Mitchell blushed a deep scarlet.
“I’m only having fun with you, hun.” Belle chuckled again. “I can see your type, you’ll be loyal to your wife forever. Glad there aren’t too many of you though.”
Mitchell was confused so asked. “Why?”
“We’d all be out of business.” Several of the other women were now listening in, happy to ease the boredom. They all laughed. For a moment he blushed again then joined in the laughter.
Mitchell continued to chat with a small crowd of the young women. Several officers looked on with some amazement that the sombre, austere room was filled with smiling and laughing faces.
Mizuras later Eli was led into the foyer, followed by Dempsey and Murdo flanked by two police officer. Eli scanned the room seeing his father happily chatting away with a group of women. One he could see was the prostitute who had caused him embarrassment earlier. He walked over to his father, listening in to the desk sergeant as he spoke to his two rivals.
“Well you two it seems that although you are being let off brawling charges, you are to be fined for illegal narcotics.”
A splutter of protests came from the two young men.
“Enough of that, we found several bottles of illicit liquor in your hanger. Before you talk about set ups, tox results show that you were tanked full of liquor classified as “space fuel”. Here is a court summons, you may pay your fines then, make sure you attend.”
Eli chuckled to himself as he waved to his father. Mitchell glanced up to see him, and then made his farewells to his audience.
“Hi Pop.” Eli said.
“Hello son.”
“Look I guess I had better explain.”
Mitchell sighed. “No son, don’t bother, I am sure that time in police cells has taught you more than any nagging from me.”
Eli sighed with relief, only to shudder when a tight grip bit into his shoulder from behind.
“Listen Eli, I am mighty pissed with you and the trouble you have caused.” It was Dempsey.
“Look Dempsey…” Eli Began.
“Shut your frakin mouth, you are so going to pay for what you have done today.”
“Hey, you want to behave yourself in here?” Asked Mitchell to the shorter younger man.
“Stay out of it old timer.” Murdo interrupted from Dempsey’s side.
“Er listen you two brats I want you to leave off from my son, I couldn’t care less who your fathers are. Bullies like you will always end up getting their comeuppance. Mind it isn’t me who delivers it.”
Murdo looked over at a pair of police officers, hoping to garner support from them after Mitchell’s barely veiled threats. The officers were grinning they had little time for rich young trouble makers and were pleased someone said what they could not.
As if smelling the two young men’s fear the group of young prostitutes, led by Belle began to jeer and taunt them as they beat a retreat to the door.
As they stepped through, Dempsey turned and faced Eli. “Just so you know loser, you are going to pay dearly for this.”
Murdo piped in too “Yeah both of you are.”
Mitchell just held each one in his gaze for a moment. The two young men went pale, turned and ran away. A new chorus of jeers from Belle and her friends followed them.
“Time to go home I think son.” Mitchell said leading the way. He waved goodbye to Belle and her companions.
An impish smile crept across Eli’s lips.”So dad, what’s all this between you and the young lady.”
A time for heros - Chapter 4 - completed (16.06.05)
Moderators: TheElf, Moderators for English X Forum
A time for heros - Chapter 4 - completed (16.06.05)
Last edited by Graf_Grau on Thu, 16. Jun 05, 12:47, edited 6 times in total.
Re: A time for heros - Chapter 4 - part one (10.06.05)
Glad to see those punks getting a kicking.Graf_Grau wrote:
_________________
Chapter 4 – A brush with the law
The flight back to the trading station was a long one for Eli Graaf. ('It was a long filght back to the trading station?' We know who the hero is)
As his ship was slowly towed through space, he could not help but feel cheated by the events that had taken place. His young mind played over and over the moment the two ships had collided. It wasn’t fair! Eli had a keen sense of justice, he new he had been the winner and Murdo had stolen the victory from him. He would get revenge somehow.
Or - 'The long tow back to the station left Graf plenty of time to brood. Cheated. It stuck in his craw and all he could think about was revenge.' The opening is essentially a transition scene so make it as short as possible to keep the pace up.
“It’s a bit late for that Mr Ikota.” Eli replied rudely. (Adverbs and adjectives need to be used sparingly, if at all. We can see from the dialogue it is rude.)
“Oh well that makes everything alright then.” Eli interrupted sarcastically (ditto).
“In Nathan’s name.” That was a phrase he had picked up from his mother. “It can’t be something to do with the Xenon device. You do not have the sudden urge to kill Argons do you?”
“I can’t calm down I have had it with those two I am going to deal with this once and for all.” Eli’s voice was filled with malice as he headed for the exit. (try not use more powerful words than 'headed'. He's angry. He's stomping or stalking.)
“Wait son, take some time out to cool down first.” Mitchell called ineffectively after him.
“No point in trying Mitch,” Hatchet said. “The boy has made up his mind, there will be no stooping him.
(I notice you do this a lot. You tell us something, in this case that the admonishment is ineffective, then you show it. Just show it. The father calls out, he's ignored. you've shown us it was ineffectual.)
A curse from beside the fallen chairs warned that Dempsey was back on his feet. Eli just caught sight of broken bottle sweeping towards his face as he ducked beneath the blow he new was coming. Eli grabbed the swinging arm and he flung the unbalanced Dempsey over his head. An ugly crunching sound accompanied the drunken man’s fall. Something (was broken - passive voice and too neutral. something snapped maybe?),
Coming along nicely - just watch out for for unnecessary adverbs and adjectives though. Let people's words and actions speak for themselves wherever possible.
I do so want those clowns to be laid low, you've done a good job making them obnoxious.
And you're right - all heroes need a sidekick. I think you should run with the notion you seemed to be developing - a 'nanny' AI that refuses to let him out of the cockopit unless he has a scarf on.
steve
Cheers guys, I have made those changes. I think I finally begin to understand the distinction between showing and telling 
I am afraid that we have not heard the last of Dempsey and Murdo, though perhaps not again for a while.
I am going to go back and have a look at smoothing the AIs development, so it looks a little more believeable.
working on the rest of the chapter right now!
I am afraid that we have not heard the last of Dempsey and Murdo, though perhaps not again for a while.
I am going to go back and have a look at smoothing the AIs development, so it looks a little more believeable.
working on the rest of the chapter right now!
Good part. This boy must have excellent aim to through a ball at single tiles as he counts them! Looks like he got away with the fight, but so did Dempsey and Murdo. This means there will always be trouble lurking for him until the two are either behind bars or vaporised.
You are characterising Eli more and more as an exceptional person. Will be interesting to see how you'll use that.
Looking forward to the next installment.
Looks like he got away with the fight, but so did Dempsey and Murdo. This means there will always be trouble lurking for him until the two are either behind bars or vaporised.You are characterising Eli more and more as an exceptional person. Will be interesting to see how you'll use that.
Looking forward to the next installment.
Hi all chapter 4 is now completed the new section is under the =====
I feel that I am not doing Elzabeth Graaf, Eli’s mother enough justice and think she may not be coming across as how I intend/want her to appear to you all. It would be great and helpful if you could post your opinions of her, what you think her personality is. I need to see how she has developed in other people’s perceptions, and maybe will have to change her a tad.
cheers all
I feel that I am not doing Elzabeth Graaf, Eli’s mother enough justice and think she may not be coming across as how I intend/want her to appear to you all. It would be great and helpful if you could post your opinions of her, what you think her personality is. I need to see how she has developed in other people’s perceptions, and maybe will have to change her a tad.
cheers all
Good finish to the chapter. I like the mystery you create around Mitch. Very nicely done, nice and subtle. Hehe, also funny comment of the prostitute "I am glad there are not many like you" 
There is definitely a lot of tension between the drunks and Eli. Wouldn't be surprised if they were his first job as a bounty hunter
Looking forward to the next chapter!
There is definitely a lot of tension between the drunks and Eli. Wouldn't be surprised if they were his first job as a bounty hunter Looking forward to the next chapter!
-
Urashima Keitaro
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Re: A time for heros - Chapter 4 - completed (16.06.05)
Eli sat puzzled for a moment. There was no one else in the ship. Then it came to him there was the computer. “Maggie, is that you?” <---- should be, 'then it came to him, it was the computer.' It flows better with a comma.
“You seem different more alive. How can you tell what is polite?” <---- Again, 'You seem different, more alive', comma usage in such circumstances helps the flow just that little bit.
“Well you seemed like a normal computer before now you sound like you have some pretty complicated Artificial Intelligence now.” Eli said confusedly. <---- 'Well you seemed like a normal computer before, now you sound like you have some pretty complicated Artificial Intelligence now'
“When? how?” Eli asked in alarm. <---- Start of sentence, no matter how short, always starts with a cappie.
“How are you able to do all this” <------ question mark.
“Indeed, there is an interesting section by the scientist Maryann Remion on the development of Artificial intelligence and self-aware machines. I have implemented some of his points.” <---- Wouldn't Maryann be a girls name?
“Self aware, what are you talking about how can a machine be self-aware?” Eli asked, he could feel a warning tremble in his stomach. <---- two seperate questions, either use a comma, or another question mark.
“Philosophy now how is this happening.” <----- Sounds better as 'Philosophy? How is this happening?'
“Once again Mr Graaf I have no understanding on these circumstances.” <------ Needs a comma after Graaf.
“Thought? I am in so much trouble, its got to be the artefact, I should not have let Hatchet use and unknown alien device in my ship.” <----an, not and
“Well no matter Mr Graaf I have rewritten the routines and have combined them with various pieces of software which were previously unused.” <---- should be 'Well, no matter Mr Graaf, I have written', and I think you should also shorten that sentence, or turn it into 2.
“Well Maggie catch you later, make sure you behave yourself I don’t want to be charged for spying after you hacked the station mainframe.” Eli chuckled as he climbed out of the ship. <---- comma after 'well'.
“No Dad, I am fine just shaken up and angry. Those bastards.” Eli replied, slamming his fist into the wall. <---- comma after fine
“Well calm down, I received a call from the race sponsors and they will be sending in a team to help repair the ship so don’t worry we’ll have you back in action soon.” Mitchell said trying to ease Eli’s tension. <----- End the sentence after 'repair the ship.' Get rid of the following 'so'and continue to the sentence end. Needs comma after Mitchell too.
“I can’t calm down I have had it with those two I am going to deal with this once and for all.” Eli’s voice was filled with malice as he stalked towards the exit. <---- commas. Needs one after 'down' and after 'two.'
“I hope your right." <----- end with speech marks. And wrong 'your' in this context, should be 'you're' as it's short for 'you are.'
“Yeah, they shouldn’t let trash like that into the races, only people decent people should be let in.” <---- cut out the first 'people', otherwise it could confuse.
“Absolutely and none of those freakish Boron either, they definitely have no place in an Argon race.” Dempsey sneered. “By the way who do you have to bribe to get in the next race?” <--- comma after 'absolutely'
Eli just caught sight of broken bottle sweeping towards his face as he ducked beneath the blow he new was coming. <---- wrong 'new' should be 'knew.'
“However I do not want to see these events repeated or else the leniency shown today will be revoked.” <--- Needs comma after 'however'.
“Good I do worry about him. He is so eager for adventure and excitement, I am concerned he will get into trouble or hurt.” <---comma after good.
“Look I guess I had better explain.” <--- comma after look
“Er listen you two brats I want you to leave off from my son, I couldn’t care less who your fathers are. Bullies like you will always end up getting their comeuppance. Mind it isn’t me who delivers it.” <---- comma after brats.
I feel mean for the amount I spotted. Really I do. However, you did the same for me, and although i haven't fully looked yet I can guess that I'll need to do some work.
“You seem different more alive. How can you tell what is polite?” <---- Again, 'You seem different, more alive', comma usage in such circumstances helps the flow just that little bit.
“Well you seemed like a normal computer before now you sound like you have some pretty complicated Artificial Intelligence now.” Eli said confusedly. <---- 'Well you seemed like a normal computer before, now you sound like you have some pretty complicated Artificial Intelligence now'
“When? how?” Eli asked in alarm. <---- Start of sentence, no matter how short, always starts with a cappie.
“How are you able to do all this” <------ question mark.
“Indeed, there is an interesting section by the scientist Maryann Remion on the development of Artificial intelligence and self-aware machines. I have implemented some of his points.” <---- Wouldn't Maryann be a girls name?
“Self aware, what are you talking about how can a machine be self-aware?” Eli asked, he could feel a warning tremble in his stomach. <---- two seperate questions, either use a comma, or another question mark.
“Philosophy now how is this happening.” <----- Sounds better as 'Philosophy? How is this happening?'
“Once again Mr Graaf I have no understanding on these circumstances.” <------ Needs a comma after Graaf.
“Thought? I am in so much trouble, its got to be the artefact, I should not have let Hatchet use and unknown alien device in my ship.” <----an, not and
“Well no matter Mr Graaf I have rewritten the routines and have combined them with various pieces of software which were previously unused.” <---- should be 'Well, no matter Mr Graaf, I have written', and I think you should also shorten that sentence, or turn it into 2.
“Well Maggie catch you later, make sure you behave yourself I don’t want to be charged for spying after you hacked the station mainframe.” Eli chuckled as he climbed out of the ship. <---- comma after 'well'.
“No Dad, I am fine just shaken up and angry. Those bastards.” Eli replied, slamming his fist into the wall. <---- comma after fine
“Well calm down, I received a call from the race sponsors and they will be sending in a team to help repair the ship so don’t worry we’ll have you back in action soon.” Mitchell said trying to ease Eli’s tension. <----- End the sentence after 'repair the ship.' Get rid of the following 'so'and continue to the sentence end. Needs comma after Mitchell too.
“I can’t calm down I have had it with those two I am going to deal with this once and for all.” Eli’s voice was filled with malice as he stalked towards the exit. <---- commas. Needs one after 'down' and after 'two.'
“I hope your right." <----- end with speech marks. And wrong 'your' in this context, should be 'you're' as it's short for 'you are.'
“Yeah, they shouldn’t let trash like that into the races, only people decent people should be let in.” <---- cut out the first 'people', otherwise it could confuse.
“Absolutely and none of those freakish Boron either, they definitely have no place in an Argon race.” Dempsey sneered. “By the way who do you have to bribe to get in the next race?” <--- comma after 'absolutely'
Eli just caught sight of broken bottle sweeping towards his face as he ducked beneath the blow he new was coming. <---- wrong 'new' should be 'knew.'
“However I do not want to see these events repeated or else the leniency shown today will be revoked.” <--- Needs comma after 'however'.
“Good I do worry about him. He is so eager for adventure and excitement, I am concerned he will get into trouble or hurt.” <---comma after good.
“Look I guess I had better explain.” <--- comma after look
“Er listen you two brats I want you to leave off from my son, I couldn’t care less who your fathers are. Bullies like you will always end up getting their comeuppance. Mind it isn’t me who delivers it.” <---- comma after brats.
I feel mean for the amount I spotted. Really I do. However, you did the same for me, and although i haven't fully looked yet I can guess that I'll need to do some work.